If RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most beloved action films of all time.  If you don't want to be spoiled, please stop now. If reading network notes make you jittery, please have a martini. 

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INDIANA JONES 101 "Raiders of the Lost Ark" FC1 NETWORK NOTES

Hello, team!  Great job turning our notes around so quickly.  While we are definitely making progress, the ship hasn't been completely righted just yet.  We really need to bear down and focus on our strengths.  Right now, Dr. Jones is not as compelling as he should be. He has a history with Marion, but it isn't fully explained. If we cannot be explicit about their relationship, how can our audience fall in love with them and tweet about them incessantly? Remember, if we tell the audience everything, they'll be on our side! A bite pass is absolutely necessary. Also, the audience needs more take-away information from all of these places Indiana is visiting.  Right now, all we know of Nepal is one dive bar that gets destroyed; is there anything else to his mountainous country that our unsophisticated demographic could easily digest?  (In Episode 102, we at least learn that some people in India eat monkey brains.)  Let's wring out as much drama and information for our audience to enjoy.  Once this happens, then we can give time-coded notes.  

SOUTH AMERICA

While the location looks beautiful, we have a long section where we don't even see Indiana Jones' face, much less hear from him at all.  When the flunky tries to shoot Dr. Jones and gets unarmed by Indy's whip, this is a great opportunity for a great big intro package.  Let's kick it off with a bite like "Hi, I'm Dr. Indiana Jones. You can call me Indy.  I'm a college professor and a lover of antiquities.  I'm currently in South America looking for my next big discovery."  Let's cover this with home movies, photos of him as a child, etc.  If we don't completely spell out who are main character is in the first 30 seconds of air, the audience will feel confused and worried.  That could lead them to change the channel and that is NOT what we want!

Why does Indy fill a bag with sand?  He doesn't explain this; add a bite please. 

Wow, so many booby traps in this tomb! I feel like I'm watching Wipe Out (but better)! Why are there so many booby traps here? This would be a great opportunity for a lower third infographic about how many ancient tribes loved trying to kill people who tried to steal their treasure.  We need to inform the audience without overwhelming them with information.  We can't get too brainy; that's what PBS is for!

Oh, THAT'S why he filled up the bag with sand. I completely forgot! Let's add a flashback of Indy filling up the bag. Constantly reminding the audience what is happening is what we do best as storytellers!

Who's Belloq? Why is he stealing the idol from Indy?  Again, we need another intro bite about him. If this is our big villain, let's set up with with a big bite so the audience knows who to hate.  Even though it's extremely obvious that Belloq is not a good person, we can't assume that the audience will pick this up.  Add a bite and it will help immensely.  

COLLEGE

Please make sure that the girl who wrote "LOVE YOU" on her eyelids has signed a release.   

Great scene with Indiana and Marcus explaining the Ark of the Covenant to the federal agents.  We need more scenes like this where the story exposition is done seamlessly with sound ups.  (I reserve the right to maybe add a couple of bites to further explain things, but let's hold off for right now.)

NEPAL

Love the graphic of the red line flying on the map to all these foreign locations.  But why is Indy flying to Nepal if the ark is in Egypt?  I'm so confused.  I did a quick Google search: turns out Nepal is nowhere NEAR Egypt?  Why is Indy going there? We need a bite from Indy here, pronto!

Marion has a fun introduction but again, bites bites bites! We need an intro bite from her; why is she in Nepal? How long has she owned the bar? With all of those shots she's downed, does she consider herself a functioning alcoholic?  I have a lots of questions and as of right now, there are no bites to answer them.  Sloppy, guys; really sloppy.  

Need an intro bite for the creepy German guy.  Do we need so many close-ups of him?  To say he's not camera ready is an understatement.  

EGYPT

Besides the monkey, we aren't really getting a lot of local color during Indy's stay in Cairo. Outside of poisonous dates, does Indy enjoy any of the local food?  Besides Marion possibly being killed while by the shops, is there any fun shopping? Here we are spending a good chunk of our budget going to these exotic locales and we aren't giving the audience any great takeaway information.  Let's throw in a bunch of info graphics so the audience can feel like Anthony Bourdain for once.  

Why is Indy afraid of snakes? Again, a bite from him would work wonders.  

Can we change up the music here? It's been one orchestral music cue after another.  Let's vary it up with some hip hop or ska.  Let's think outside the box here, guys. 

Once Sallah and Indy get the ark, let's throw in a Sallah bite about what this means to him.  If we aren't constantly resetting the stakes with the audience, they won't realize how important all of this is.  

CHASE AFTER THE ARK THROUGH THE DESERT

Indy's pursuit of the Ark through the desert is very well shot and edited. However, it definitely needs more context.  At the beginning of the chase, throw in a flashback of Marcus explaining how the Ark can level mountains and armies.  Then put in a bite from Indy along the lines of "I have to get the Ark back from the Nazis. If they bring it to Hitler in Berlin, there could be no stopping him and he could take over the world!" Sure, that could totally be inferred from the proceedings, but let's not take that risk.  

Please add a cymbal scrape every time a Nazi gets flung off of a truck during the chase.  This will add to the drama!

Add a relieved bite from Indy once he's taken the Ark into his possession.  How can we know if he's happy to finally have the ark if he doesn't tell us?

GREEK ISLAND

Per legal, please put up a disclaimer that we do NOT recommend opening up a powerful mystical relic without supervision.

Do we have any night vision footage of the ghosts emerging from the Ark?  We can't have the full ghost hunter experience without it.  

EPILOGUE

With the Ark and other items that Indy has collected over the years, we feel that we are missing out on a great spinoff opportunity.  How about "MYSTICAL ANTIQUITY ROADSHOW".  If PBS can be nominated for Emmys, so can we!  Write up an outline and send it over to us.  

Please address these notes by noon tomorrow.  Thanks!

If THE MUPPET MOVIE Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

THE MUPPET MOVIE Network Rough Cut 2 Notes Pass

Hello! Thanks for addressing our notes on the earlier cut. Progress has definitely been made but we are still a long way's off from getting this right.  Unfortunately, clarity is still a really big issue.  Many scenes are pretty chaotic and therefore not funny.  Remember: scenes are only funny when we carefully explain everything to the audience.  Also, the characters' motivations are rather murky.  Why is Kermit going to Hollywood?  Why would Fozzie join him?  What is Janice doing? A very strong and deliberate bite pass is in order; let's get into the head of every frog, pig, drummer, human and 70's comedy star we have.  Once this bite pass happens, then we can give you some time coded notes.  Please see below.

OPENING

The start of the film has two older people saying arriving at a movie studio saying they are going to see THE MUPPET MOVIE? This self-referential stuff is rather confusing.  Do we have any intro bites with Statler and Waldorf?  Why are they going to a screening of a movie if they don't seem too happy about it?If we are setting them up to be a Wendy Pepper/Johnny Bananas/Richard Hatch-type of villain, that's fine. If not, then they are already coming across as unlikable.  In reality, characters are either big villains or extremely likable; they can't be anywhere in the middle.  (Except on competition shows that get nominated for Emmys) 

THE SWAMP

We start with Kermit singing but the video is just a big wide shot of the swamp.  How do we know if it's Kermit singing unless we actually see him?  Let's recut this to show b-roll of the swamp, then a shot of Kermit singing on the log.  Man, Kermit is singing and singing and we don't have a SINGLE bite from him. No no no.  Let's build an intro package with a bite like "Hi, I'm Kermit the Frog. I live in a big swamp and I love playing the banjo!" (Doesn't have to be exact)

Let's get some more information about the swamp. Where is it? What it's like? Is there a pawn shop full of colorful-yet-completely non-threatening people? Dig through your footage and let us know.  

When the agent gives his card to Kermit, we really need to hear a bite from Kermit about how his offer about the audition at World Wide Studios is quite enticing. Sure, we can get the idea of this based on Kermit's sound ups and reactions, but we really need to sell this. If it's not completely obvious to us, it won't be to our viewers!

By the way, do we ever hear the answer about why there ARE so many songs about rainbows? If we don't, let's cut it; too confusing.

KERMIT ON THE BICYCLE

Any bites from Kermit when he sees the Doc Hopper Frog Legs signs?  If he's not happy about it, we definitely need to hear about it. Since Doc is the villain, he needs a much stronger, more pungent set up.  A big montage of him frying frog's legs? Bites from him about how much he doesn't like frogs?  Bites from Kermit about Doc's reputation?  Let's mine the interviews and b-roll and think outside the box here, guys.    

Good Schwinn bicycle product integration. 

EL SLEAZO CAFE

Fozzie Bear needs a better introduction. He comes out with a bunch of props; is Carrot Top a big influence? Let's do a big intro of him, his love of comedy, etc.  Let's discuss!

When Doc Hopper plays his fast food frog leg commercial for our hero, Kermit is completely revolted. What's his motivation? It's either the fact that he doesn't like the idea of him shilling a restaurant that would be genocide for his people or that he wants to focus on going to Hollywood.  Now, in scripted, characters can have multiple motivations. In reality, however, a character has ONE motivation per episode and that's it.  Any more confuses us and the audience.  Let's pick one and be consistent.  

MEETING GONZO

The car accident that brings Gonzo and Kermit together lacks the proper impact because we don't know who Gonzo is. Let's do a full intro package with him; where he's from, how long he and Camilla The Chicken have been together, how long he's been a plumbing artiste, etc.  Also, is there another take where they meet? Right now it just seems a little too convenient that they run into each other and they all want to be movie stars.  Let's flesh the scene out first with some header, some fluff and then go into the story stuff. Right now, the scene is just rather fakey and unfunny. 

MEETING MISS PIGGY

Miss Piggy is really popping on camera. She has a definite Nene Leaks appeal, so let's set her up for success.  Give her a big intro package with as much sassy bites as possible.  Is she on Twitter?  I bet she's hilarious.  

Piggy's intro scene is a beauty pageant; any fun backstage moments? OTF's with the other contestants? Let's see what other people have to say about our porcine powerhouse. 

KERMIT & PIGGY'S DATE

Why are they out on a date again? Let's restate the intent of this scene right from the top.  Why is Piggy on this date? And then she leaves; what does Kermit think about this? Let's get his feelings out on the table with a good choice bite.  Otherwise, we're left to just observing Kermit looking sad and depressed and that's just not enough.  

Any good bites from Steve Martin the waiter? He has some great comedic potential.  

Let's add an earlier pick up scene where Piggy practices martial arts; otherwise her use of karate to save Kermit from his kidnappers comes out of the blue and is therefore not funny.  Humor comes from very predictable behavior, NOT from random chaotic moments.  

THE DESERT

Everyone is stranded in the desert and I've completely forgotten what's going on.  Let's restate Kermit's why for his trek. Sure, he talks to himself and says everything in scene, but a great bite from him would work wonders.  

Any fun tidbits about the ghost town Kermit ends up in? How about some backstory from Dr. Bunsen Honeydew?  More context here would really help.   When Floyd asks about the Insta-Grow pills, Beaker says "Mee mee MEE mee mee."  Does he have a take where he says "Mee mee mee MEE MEE?" Please double check your footage.  

WORLD WIDE STUDIOS

When Lou's secretary has an allergy attack from all of the animal dander, this could be a great opportunity for a Claritin product integration. Let's look into that.  

Any bites on what a Standard Rich & Famous Contract is?  Clarity here would be very helpful.  

Please finish these tonight with notes responses. Thanks!  

If INSIDE OUT Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot and character details for INSIDE OUT. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please leave now. If reading fictional network television notes makes you break out in hives, please take an antihistamine.  

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INSIDE OUT ROUGH CUT 4 NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning our notes around so quickly.  As it stands, the show is really making some progress but it's really not there yet.  What you've given is so immensely creative and thrilling, which is great... and is also a huge concern. The problem is we kept getting lost in what's going on.  A clarity pass is absolutely necessary.  Bites, bites, bites! If we're going to ask for the audience to take the leap to go into someone's mind, we need to spell things out for them very clearly so they don't get nervous.  Once you do this with a very thorough bite pass, then we'll give time coded notes.  Please address the following (and if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to call my assistant to set up a time for a call.).

OPENING

We really do like that Joy is our main character here. Her introduction is great and all, but with the arrival of each emotion into Riley's brain, it starts getting confusing.  Yes, none of them look or sound alike at all and they each have a very distinctive personality, but we can't assume that the audience can suss out who is who right off the bat.  So, let's do a chyron pass and an intro package on each emotion.    Sure, Anger says he's anger, but if we throw in a lower third that says "Anger" when he's on the screen, then the audience will know for sure!

RILEY'S MOVE TO SAN FRANCISCO

There is some great scene work when Riley and her family arrive in San Francisco.  Still, once they are actually in their house, I forgot which town they were in!  Can we throw up another lower third to remind us where we are? We started in Minnesota and then they switched locations; man, that's a lot to swallow!

Disgust has a great sound-up once they see the dead mouse in Riley's room; does she have a bite about it? I would love to get inside the head of the beings inside Riley's head. 

MEMORY STORAGE/ISLANDS OF PERSONALITY

So, the different emotions run Riley at different times depending on the situation.  I know we established that at the very beginning but on Riley's first day of school, I think we should really throw in a flashback to this to remind the audience exactly why the emotions are there at the control panel in the first place. Sure, it just happened 10 minutes before and it's in all the promotional materials and is the very concept of the show to begin with, but it couldn't help to remind the audience of this. Remember, always reiterating what is going is what we storytellers do best!

Memories come in as big marbles and then go into long-term storage. Some memories are core memories that create the different islands that form Riley's personality - wow, that is a LOT of information for our audience to remember! Let's construct a very tight flashback that we can use every 4-5 minutes to jog the audience's memory of this.  It's hard to remember how Riley remembers so we need to remember to remind the audience of this so they can remember it all. Got it?

Please add a pick up scene where Disgust goes over Riley's first day of school outfit.  We think this could really go over well with our audience and serve as a possible makeover show backdoor pilot called "Ughh, You're Not Going To Wear THAT, Are You?" Advertisers love shows where we shame women on their fashion choices  Throw the scene in and let's make it work!

When Riley has her breakdown during her first day of class, do we have any bites from the cool girls in school? We get the idea from Disgust and Fear what Riley's stakes are, but if we can get a few from that clique of mean girls, it can really hammer home what Riley is really risking. And also the funnier the better!

JOY AND SADNESS TRY TO GET BACK TO HEADQUARTERS

When Joy and Sadness meet Bing Bong, let's give him a really big intro package. I know he introduces himself in scene, but let's throw in a bite along the lines of "Hi, I'm Bing Bong. I'm Riley's imaginary friend.  I'm part elephant, part cotton candy and an all-around great guy and since I've been wandering around Riley's long-term memory, I really know my way around." Please get this verbatim. 

Please double check our trade out agreement with Triple Dent gum. I really don't think they want us to have some much scene work of our people groaning every time their jingle is heard. 

The section where Joy, Sadness and Bing Bong get caught in the Abstract Thought section can be cut.  I am really not clear on what Abstract Thought is, so let's just make it a web extra.  

DREAM PRODUCTIONS/SUBCONSCIOUS

Does Rainbow Unicorn have any bites regarding Riley's dream going haywire? We're paying an arm and a leg for her appearance fee, so let's get the most for our money.  

I know Joy says that the Subconscious is where Riley stores all of the big things that frighten her, but can she explain in in a bite? Or maybe Sadness can? We haven't heard from her in a while, let's see what she has to say. 

We've been in Riley's head for so long; is there any more scene work that we can cut to? Maybe with the parents or the cool girls at school? This is starting to feel a bit claustrophobic.  

Please make sure the killer birthday party clown has signed a release. 

When the personality islands start breaking apart, can we add in a bite from Sadness or Joy about what this means? We have to always remind the audience about the stakes.  What would happen if Riley loses every portion of her personality? What would happen to her? Does this mean she would end up working in insurance? Let's spell this out. 

JOY AND SADNESS MAKE IT TO HEADQUARTERS

When Joy and Bing Bong are trying to get out of the Memory Dump using his wagon, let's throw in a flashback of him and younger Riley playing on it and saying that it's powered by song.  They start singing to power it and I'm completely lost! (Also, the Bing Bong song is cleared, right? Our music budget has been eaten up with the Triple Dent trade out).

Please add a bite from Joy when she realizes that Bing Bong is no longer there. Even though we see she's crying, how am I to know if she really misses him or not without a bite exactly saying that? 

END

Now that we see that the memories are now coming in with multiple colors instead of just one, let's add in a bite from Joy about how important it is for Riley's development that all of her emotions be validated.  We can't assume the audience will pick up on this; it's only obvious to us since we're professionals at this but remember, the audience isn't! 

Please have these done with a notes response by 11am tomorrow morning.  Thanks!

If THE BLUES BROTHERS Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot elements for one of the beloved comedies of all time.  If you really don't want to be spoiled, please go elsewhere. 

THE BLUES BROTHERS ROUGH CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for addressing the previous round of notes so quickly.  We really appreciate it.  The show is coming along but we are still far off from where we need to be.  We feel the brothers Blues' antics can be toned down to be more network friendly.  We want PG "Jackass", not rated R "Jackass."  Also, we need more clarification all around.  Bites, bites, bites!  Once a comprehensive bites pass is done, we'll give time-coded notes.  Maybe another comedy pass? Let's discuss.

OPENING

Jake does a very long exit from prison. He doesn't say anything! Let's use this section to do a strong intro package. Let's kick off with a bite like "Hi! I'm Jake. I'm a musician and I'm finally getting out of prison after holding up a gas station to pay the salaries of the guys in my band.  I can't wait to meet up with my brother Elwood who is also in the band with me and we like to dress alike." (Please get this bite exactly). If we don't hear from him within the first ten seconds of the show, how are supposed to form an opinion about him? Just by observing his behavior? Too confusing. Please upgrade. 

RUNNING THE NEW BLUES MOBILE OVER THE BRIDGE

Jake and his brother don't seem terribly happy to see each other.  Are they more taciturn in nature? If so, let's add a bite from Elwood along the lines of "I'm Elwood, and I'm so glad that my brother is out of prison.  We don't really show a ton of affection in our family, so we do a lot of banter in order to prove our love."  If Elwood doesn't say this, how will we know he's happy to see his brother? I can't tell!

Elwood giving the stats on the new Blues Mobile is great in a "Top Gear" sort of way (maybe a spinoff?). And how they zoomed over the rising bridge is impressive.  It's a good example of the family-friendly stunts we should be going for here.  Per legal, please add a disclaimer at the beginning of the show saying that kids should not do this at home.  

Is there another take where Jake isn't smoking? I hope there aren't more cigarettes in this episode

VISITING THE PENGUIN

Who is this Penguin they keep referring to? Why are they there? Did they used to be orphans? We're going into a scene without knowing every possible bit of information there is to know and I am nervous! Again, we need another set up bite. If there's a chance for surprise, there's a chance our audience will change the channel. 

Oh, the person the Blues Brothers is meeting is not an actual Penguin.  Please do a clarity pass on this scene.  I got confused. 

In the "shit's creek" discussion, please bleep the following:

*Shit

*Shit

*Christ

*Shit

*Fuck

*Jesus

*Bitch

*Jesus

*Christ

*Fuck

*Shit

CHURCH SCENE

Wait, why is Jake and Elwood in a bad mood at the church? Oh right, in the previous two scenes Jake and Elwood found out that the only home they've ever known is going to be sold.  I completely forgot about it! Please start the scene with a flashback reminding us of this.  We need to restate the stakes in every scene; it's called 'Storytelling!'

Have all of the dancing, singing church-goers signed a release? Please double check.

Jake's religious epiphany is great and all: the glow around him, the backflips, the sunbeam coming through the window. But we need to really hammer this home with a bite from Jake. Why did he change his mind? Why is getting the band back together a good idea? Why does he like to dance like that? Please look over your interviews. 

FLEEING THE POLICE STOP

Is there another take where Elwood doesn't speed away from the police when they pull him over?  Legal is worried that we could inspire copycat incidents.  Ever since Teresa Guidice flipped a table, they've been extra jumpy.  Please check your footage and get back to us. 

Is there a bite from Elwood where he explains why his license was suspended? That would be helpful. 

Please add a chyron saying that the producers do not recommend driving through the mall, especially when the police are following you. 

Blur the JC Penny's logo when the Blues Mobile bursts forth from their display window.  

Please add a bite to explain the woman using the rocket launcher against the Blues Brothers. Right now this comes out of nowhere, cutting against the comedy.  Explaining why she's there in every detail will give the audience context and therefore will be absolutely hilarious! (Maybe add a record scratch? Think it over)

CHEZ PAUL

When Jake asks the man at the next table "How much for the little girl? How much for your women?", can we add a bite from Jake saying that he's making a joke? Otherwise it seems like he's into human trafficking and S&P won't clear that. 

NAZI RALLY

Add a pick up scene early on where Elwood says he's not a fan of Adolph Hitler. Otherwise his comment of "I hate Illinois Nazis" comes out of nowhere.

GIG AT THE PALACE HOTEL

When Jake and Elwood are stranded at the gas station, can we add a bite from them about how stressed out they are about possibly missing the gig? While we are getting that from their in-scene sound-ups and from cutting back to the band anxiously waiting at the ballroom, we really need to hear it from them too.  Remember: stakes, stakes, stakes!  If we don't keep hitting this point over and over, the audience won't know it's important!

Good Orange Whip product integration.  

When the Blues Brothers finally make it to the stage, please add a big cymbal scrape and big sweeping cue.  This is the most important moment of the episode so far and let's treat it like such! If it's important to us, it's important to the audience!

CAR CHASE INTO THE CITY

Why are they speeding so much into the city? Oh, right, they're getting the $5000 to the tax assessor's office to make sure the orphanage isn't closed down.  I completely forgot. We really need to add a flashback here to remind the audience.  Maybe two more flashbacks should be added to previous scenes? This isn't scripted; we can't assume the audience will remember plot points from one scene to the next!

We need to think of the audience takeaway during the whole episode.  During the car chase, let's add some factoids into the lower thirds about how fast a Winnebago can go, the air velocity of a car full of Nazi's going of of an overpass, etc.  This will give the audience bits of information that they can use to impress their friends at dinner parties.

END

Once Jake and Elwood are in prison, we just see them play a song for the inmates.  Are they happy they saved the orphanage? Are they glad they got the band back together? Please do a big bite pass on this scene. If they don't tell me all these things, how am I supposed to know? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

Please finish these notes by 4pm today.  Looking forward to your responses!

If JURASSIC PARK Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

JURASSIC PARK 101 FINE CUT 1 NOTES

Thanks for getting our previous notes turned around so quickly. However, we do feel that the cut is still too far off from where it needs to be.  So, we'll give time-coded notes after this cut.  There is so much emphasis on what is going wrong at the park that I don't want to go there. Remember, guys, this is a travel show; we have to make the viewer want to travel! If they feel that this place is a prehistorical murder zone, no one will want to go there! 

If we are going to salvage what we have and tell this story, then we really have to be open and forthcoming with the audience as possible.  Just because we know what a scary thing it is to have a dinosaur try to kill us, we can't assume that the audience does.  We really need a thorough and complete bite pass.  Maybe a comedy pass too?

OPENING

The workers at Isla Nublar are installing a creature into a new pen, but I really can't make it out. Is there a clearer shot of it? Right now, it's just a bunch of quick cuts as it is killing one of the workers.  Let's get a clear shot of the creature so we know what it is (and then we can blur it). 

AMBER MINE SECTION & DR. GRANT SECTION

We need to put focus on the park itself. Let's establish Dr. Grant and Dr. Settler in an opening package when they arrive at the park, so let's lose these two sections.  If we include these scenes that are not in Costa Rica, the audience will be confused.  The title says "Jurassic Park"; why are we in Montana?

NEDRY AND SECRET AGENT

I'm not sure Barbasol would appreciate their trade-out involving them with corporate espionage. Do we have any other scene work with Nedry? If not, let's add a bite from him along the lines of "Jurassic Park is so interesting I'm willing to break the law to get the word out!"  Maybe this scene comes later? 

ARRIVING AT THE PARK

This is how we should start the show. Start with big sweeping shots of the island and a bite telling everyone that this is a park that has a massive amount of genetically engineered dinosaurs. We have to grab the audience right away. If we leave time for our audience to discover new things, they'll get bored and change the channel! We need shots of the big dinosaurs within the first 30 seconds! (That way we can get #hugedinosaurs trending right away!) Then cut to the helicopter ride over, let's do an intro package so we get to know our scientists/hosts.  Let's add some bites like "I'm Dr. Grant, I'm an archeologist and I love my job!" Here we can add shots of him and Dr. Sattler working on the dig in Montana. Make the Dr. Malcolm package short; any lengthy discussion of mathematics and chaos theory will turn off our key demographic.  Have him talk about how he likes his leather jacket; women (per our research) like that!

THE TOUR

We are supposed to see a tour but I feel like we don't know the park at all right now. Where is the fun shopping? Where can I get one-of-a-kind collectables? Where is the great fine dining? All we're seeing is just boring science and gloom-and-doom. It's an amusement park and I am not amused. Please recut this with a strong comedy pass.  

HAMMOND'S GRANDKIDS

I can tell from the scene that Hammond is excited to see his grandkids, but we isn't saying it exactly.  Let's get a bite from him saying "I am excited to see my grandkids!" and have him elaborate on that. The only way I can tell if someone loves their grandchildren is by hearing them say it explicitly.  

BEHIND-THE-SCENES

I am impressed with the access we've gotten here at the park, but the only behind the scenes stuff we're getting is just depressing.  Let's get a bit more process-y here and have Hammond talk about how the paddocks work, where to get a churro, etc. Here we can put in a ton of graphics and lots of sexy dinosaur shots. The audience won't be impressed unless we tell them to be!

NEDRY STEALING THE EMBRYOS

It's been a while since we've heard what Nedry is trying to do; let's throw in a flashback of him meeting with the corporate espionage agent.  Constantly reminding the audience about a person's intentions will really help amp the tension! (Also, we can work in more shots of the Barbasol for our trade-out deal.)

TYRANNOSAURUS REX ATTACK

 Just because the kids are screaming while the Rex is attacking, we can't assume that the audience will know that it's scary.  Add some scared bites from them so we really know how they are feeling at every moment. Also, add a flashback of Dr. Grant saying that the T-Rex's vision is based on vision.  The audience may pay attention to these sort of things on a scripted show, but for a reality show, we can't take that chance!

(Thinking out loud here: can we add a bite from the T-Rex saying how she usually doesn't eat lamb but sometimes she'll make an exception?  Could be funny!)

EGGS

Dr. Grant discovering the eggs is good and all, and his explanation about how the all-female dinosaur population could possibly lay eggs is great but it really needs some previous set up.  So, during the tour, let's add a bite from Dr. Grant or Settler along the lines of "If you use frog DNA that could possibly lead to the dinosaurs changing genders." Since we aren't being obvious, the audience could be lost. Let's guide them the entire time by telling everything that they should know and feel. It's called Story Telling!

We haven't heard from Malcolm in a while. Any fun scene work with him recuperating from his wounds? Let's change things up a bunch!

RAPTOR ATTACK

Let's add a flashback about how smart the raptors are. Otherwise Bob Peck's line "Clever girl" doesn't have the proper context. 

At the end when the T-Rex kills the raptor, let's add a bite from one of the kids thanking the T-Rex for saving them.  That way, the audience can know that they are relieved!

Thanks for addressing these notes in a timely manner. Please have them and your responses by 5pm today.  Thanks!

If THE HUNGER GAMES Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot elements for the first HUNGER GAMES film.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please don't read further. If network notes make you angry, have a shot of bourbon.

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THE HUNGER GAMES FINE CUT 1 NOTES

Hello! Thanks for getting us this cut in a timely manner.  We really feel that there's a great show in here, but unfortunately, there are just too many disparate elements in the cut right now.  Remember, guys, THE HUNGER GAMES is a competition show; we need to emphasize the competition! "Tension and stakes" need to be our mantra! If we don't repeatedly drive home how important these games are to the contestants, the audience will be bored. Right now, we are putting sooooo much emphasis on Katniss, it's pretty obvious that she wins. Let's throw in some red herrings here and make sure our story telling is on point. Until this is done, we cannot give time coded notes.  Let's do a comprehensive bite pass so we can really feel for the contestants.  Further music and comedy passes would also help out a lot. 

OPENING

This whole entire opening section with Katniss and her family and then hunting with Gale is just off the mark. As this is a competition show, we need to start with them getting ready for the competition.  Please remove this entire section and let's start at the Reaping.  If the audience doesn't know right off the bat that this is an intense competition show, they will be confused and not watch any further!

REAPING

Once Katniss volunteers to take the place of her sister, then add in a strong Katniss intro package.  Who she is, what she likes about District 12, her hobbies, what her favorite Capitol fashions are, etc.  This is where we can show footage of her hunting and using her bow and arrow.  Make sure to add a bite along the lines of "Even though I'm a girl, I really do like to hunt. I'm hoping my archery skills would be really helpful in games!" That way, when she uses the bow and arrow later, the audience won't be confused.

Let's also add in a Peeta intro package as well.  In his package, make sure to add that he's single and a romantic; otherwise him falling in love with Katniss later won't have any context.  

TRAIN RIDE TO CAPITOL

I'm leaning towards killing this whole sequence.  It's lessening the tension of the show.  Haymitch is just too sad. Remember: we like fun drunks, not morose drunks.  Yes, I understand that he drinks in order to lessen the guilt he feels for killing 23 other adolescents when we won the games years ago, but man, this is just depressing! If we do end up keeping this section, put in some bites from both Katniss and Peeta saying how badly they want to win and how important it is to them.  Remember, this is a competition!  If the stakes are not vitals to us, they won't be vital to the audience.

TRIBUTE PARADE

Here is a great opportunity to put in some bio bites from the other contestants.  Which districts are they from? What music do they like to listen to? What is their favorite way to kill someone?  These bits of information will really help establish these players into the minds of our viewers so they can root for someone.  If the audience doesn't know how a 10-year-old from District 5 likes to garrote people with fishing line, how can they get invested in the competition?

The big, booming triumphant music here works very well.  Please continue using these types of cues as it lets the audience know when something crucial happens.  Remember, bombastic music = important!

TRAINING 

This whole section can be cut down as a montage. This is too slow.

GAMEMAKERS EVALUATE THE TRIBUTES

This whole section can be removed.  Let's make this a web extra.

TRIBUTES INTERVIEW WITH CESAR

This whole section should be removed.  Maybe a snap-in?

GAMES BEGIN

Ugh, finally! It's taking waaaaay too long to get to this portion.  When all the tributes are in place, let's throw in big stakes bites. If they are fighting for their lives, we have to hear it from them! We want to get the audience off of swiping right on Tinder and on their iPads tweeting like crazy!

When the games start and the blood bath begins, the camera work right now is just too shaky.  Let's go for some wides and medium shots to show which child is killing which.  If I can't see who's winning, I can't be invested. 

As Katniss gets up into the tree, let's get into her head.  Is she happy that Peeta is still alive? Is she worried about the careers? Is she wondering about her sister? Right now, I'm feeling for her about 96%; having her open up in a bite will have me up to 100%. 

Can we vary up the music here some? Dub-step is testing well with our younger audiences -- find a place to put some in.

TRACKER JACKER SECTION

When Katniss sees Peeta allied with the Career Tributes, this is really jarring. She's disappointed in him but so are we.  Let's get a bite from him where he lets us know that he's really on Katniss' side but planning on possibly double-crossing the careers. That will add some depth to his character and let us know that he's a good guy. If he doesn't tell us he's a good person, how do we know that that's true?

Great bite from Cesar explaining what a Tracker Jacker is.  This is a great example of the bites we should be having throughout the whole episode. 

Katniss' scene work with Rue is nice, but it again would benefit from a bite pass. Why are they aligned together? How will this benefit them in the competition?  And when Rue gets eliminated, these bites will really help the audience feel for her passing. If we aren't telling the audience how to feel at all times then we are not doing our jobs.

Please make sure all the District 11 rioters have signed a release. 

IN THE CAVE

Katniss & Peeta kissing is great and all, but the music under it is not matching the scene! Let's go for the romance full throttle here.  Strings, etc.  Maybe throw in some candle effects? If we can't go full "Bachelor" on this scene, let's do at least an "Average Joe."

FIGHT WITH CATO

Cato does work well as a bad guy but he needs more set up. Let's add some flashbacks of Cato killing some of the other tributes to this fight to really show how strong a competitor he is.  When he gets eliminated, let's add a few final bites to underline how his killer instinct got the best of him. The audience can only appreciate irony if we spell it out for them.

Thanks again. Please have these done with notes responses by 11am tomorrow. Thanks!

If BATMAN Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot details about the 1989 film version of BATMAN.  If you don't wish to be spoiled by this, then please, move on. 

BATMAN ROUGH CUT 2 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning this cut around so quickly.  While the show really does have some verve, we do feel that more work is definitely needed.  The biggest problem we are having is that we really don't KNOW Bruce Wayne. He's too much of an enigma. We do mysterious in reality TV, not a real mystery. Let's get a big bite pass from him so he can tell us more of who he is and why he's cavorting around in a big rubber suit.  Honestly, a bite pass in general would really work wonders. Until this happens, we really can't give time-coded notes at this time.  

OPENING

Batman's confrontation with the two goons on the rooftop is great, but it could really benefit from more clarity.  When they start hearing the noises and seeing the shadows, let's put in a few bites from them about how afraid they are.  Also, when Batman is dangling the mugger from the rooftop, let's throw in a bite from the criminal there, saying how scared he is.  Just because we can tell this guy doesn't want to be dropped down seven stories doesn't mean the audience will.  

Once Bruce tells the thug "I'm Batman!" and swoops away, this is a perfect opportunity for a Batman Intro Package.  Let's kick it off with bite like "I'm Bruce Wayne, a billionaire entrepreneur here in Gotham City.  My parents were murdered in an alley 20 years ago, and to avenge their deaths, I assume the identity of Batman!" Marry this with a sexy montage of him with the Batmobile, the Batcycle, his outfits, him working out, etc.  Without this set up, he's too much inscrutable. How can I root for him if he doesn't explicitly tell me why he does what he does?

JACK NAPIER & HIS BOSS

There's a great scene where the District Attorney Harvey Dent says he's going to go after organized crime.  How bad is crime in Gotham City?  When Dent makes this claim, let's cut to the flashback of Batman fighting those thugs.  The audience will need a visual reminder about how bad the crime is in this city. 

Jack Napier seems like a really interesting guy -- was he one of the husbands on Real Housewives of New Jersey? (Please double check). It seems to me like he is the second in command to crime boss Carl Grissom but it's not obvious. Let's do a chryon pass on this scene. Have Jack's lower third say "Jack Napier, 40, Second-In-Command, Grissom Crime Family." If we tell the audience all the information for a scene, they can really enjoy it.  

Based on Grissom's look to Jack after his girlfriend comes in, it's apparent that obviously something is going on between her and Jack. Let's drive that home with a bite from Jack along the lines of "I really hope Carl doesn't realize that I've been seeing his girlfriend behind his back.  Considering Carl's violent history, that would be really awkward for me!" In his own words, of course.

VICKI VALE

Vicki Vale's introduction at the newspaper is great and we are big fans of hers here at the network. Let's build out an intro package for her saying how long she's been a photojournalist, and then have her talk about her love of fashion and high-heel shoes. (Minimize the shots of her photos from the war-torn Corto Maltese - too serious) The women we feature on our network need to COME ACROSS as smart, driven professionals but we actually showing them doing their job is a bridge our audience just can't cross.  

CONFRONTATION AT AXIS CHEMICALS

When Jack gets double-crossed by Grissom, please add a bite where he exclaims his disgust.  He falls into the vat of chemicals, put in a cymbal scrape to really drive home how dangerous that is.  (Should we put a trigger warning at the top of the episode? Let's discuss)

When Jack becomes the Joker and kills Grissom, let's get a bite from one of his henchmen about the transformation.  If we can get someone to tell us how big the Joker's change is, we can then really feel it!

FUNDRAISER

The flirtation between Vicki and Bruce is palpable but again, since we really don't know Bruce Wayne at all, I am bored SOLID by this interaction.  Has it been a while since he's dated? What is his type? Is he a virgin? Let's throw in a bio bite about his history with the opposite sex here.  That will really help this scene out. 

ATTACK AT ART MUSEUM

Oof, I am not a fan of the Joker defacing all the artwork.  First of all, that's bad for us legally. Secondly, can we clear all those paintings? If not, our blur costs will go through the roof! Let's use a different take.  

Batman asks how much Vicki Vale weighs and then lifts her up using his grappling hook, he says "You don't weigh 110 pounds." She says "No kidding!" Let's drive this humor home by adding a woodblock sound effect and then cut to Batman's interview where he wordlessly smirks to the camera.  Let's take every comedic opportunity possible!

SMLYEX

Per legal, every logo of every cosmetic poisoned by the Joker needs to be blurred. 

BRUCE/JOKER CONFRONTATION AT VICKI'S APARTMENT

When the Joker says "Do you ever dance with devil by the pale moonlight", we FINALLY get a flashback. However, it's to a scene we haven't seen yet. How can we flashback to something we haven't seen yet?! No. This is not how we do things at this network.  Let's add the scene to the top of the show and then an additional pick up scene where Bruce laments his parents' being killed (and then we can flashback to the first scene in this pick up scene.  Now THAT'S being creative!)

VICKI GOES TO THE BATCAVE

Alfred lets Vicki into the Batcave and we don't here what Vicki thinks of that? Let's get into her head here and hear how she feels about Bruce keeping his huge mancave a secret.  Does she want to redecorate it?

We've been hearing so many orchestral music cues; let's swap them up here with something more poppy or modern.  Dig into those music libraries and let's make some magic!

BATMAN'S CONFRONTATION WITH THE JOKER IN DOWNTOWN GOTHAM CITY

Let's add a Joker bite to the previous scene about how his real plan is to kill the populace of the city with the Smylex gas by using his giving away millions of dollars a ruse.  When the balloons with the killer gas start to leak, there is no context for it and therefore the audience won't care.

The fight sequence between Batman and the Joker is excellent. When the Joker says to his henchman "Where does he get those wonderful toys?", let's throw in an animated Joker bite where he laments Batman's wealth of weaponry. What kind of toys would the Joker want? Let's hear from him as much as we can!

In the final fight on the bellower, Joker throws on a pair of glasses and then says "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?" and then Batman does! Hilarious! Let's drive that home with a record scratch SFX. That way the audience will know it's funny!

If you have any questions, just let us know. We look forward to getting this changes done by the end of day. Thanks!

If BEAUTY AND THE BEAST Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for Disney's BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. If your nose is going to get bent out of shape regarding spoilers from a movie that came out in 1991, please up your dosage. 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST RC2 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for addressing the notes from Rough Cut I. We do appreciate your team turning those notes around so quickly.  Unfortunately, as it now sits, we feel we do have a long way to go in before we can really truly lock this episode. Timecoded notes will have to wait; we are in emergency mode.  Right now, Belle is coming across as too scholastic and the Beast has too much camera time.  Can we recut this so Belle and Gaston end up together? (Just an idea) There is also a lot of potential right now amongst the Beast's staff; let's flesh that out a bunch (please see below). Also, where is the bite pass we requested? Guys, we need to really be up front with our viewers about the characters' feelings and intentions. Let's get into the heads of every human, creature, and talking armoire in our cast! Every scene has to have TENSION AND STAKES; right now, we are way off the mark. Detailed notes are below. 

PROLOGUE

Is this scratch VO explaining the Prince's background? The guy sounds really old; is this one of the editors? Let's re-record with someone younger with more energy.  Right now, we do feel this is a great set up for the story.  Let's maximize our screen time by grabbing the viewers right from the start.  Maybe a Zach Ephron-type? Let's discuss. 

BELLE IN THE VILLAGE

I've never been fond of casting Belle; too bookish. (We should have gone more Megan Fox than Amy Adams, but I was overruled). Our research shows that our audience likes seeing women WITH books over actually LOVING books; the latter makes our target demographic feel dumb and unproductive.  And who wants that?  Let's do an opening montage of Belle walking through her hometown where she explains who she is, where she lives and her interests (THEN show her reading a book for maybe 3 seconds).  This whole section can be trimmed down. 

Gaston has a great entrance. He is testing very well and we are big fans of his over here, so let's set him up for success, shall we? Add in some very empathetic bites from him and La Fou about how much he's loved in town.  That way, he can be great foil for Belle and not be so douchey. (Though a bit of douchiness is good; the affluencers in our demographic thoroughly enjoy tweeting about a lovable bad boy!) Recut Belle's and Gaston's confrontation where we tone him down some.  You guys, we need to protect our cast from themselves. 

BELLE'S FATHER AT THE BEAST'S MANSION

Belle's father Maurice is going to a fair because he's an inventor? I know Belle explained this to Gaston in the previous scene but I totally forgot about it! Let's put in a flashback here to drive this home.  How important is the fair? How often does this happen? Why is Belle not going with her father? So many loose ends here, guys; sloppy, sloppy, SLOPPY! Let's do a serious bite pass on this scene so we can set ourselves up for success.  

When Belle's father actually gets the Beast's house, let's cut this scene way down.  Frankly, the Beast is just too ugly. We want TV Ugly, not ugly-ugly. Are there better shots of him? Why is he so hairy? (Again, overruled in casting). My heart aches at all the cost overruns we're going to have in Color Correction to make him on brand with our network, but oh well. 

GASTON PROPOSES TO BELLE

Wait, Gaston is proposing already? Aww, that's so sweet! But this comes out of nowhere! Let's add a pickup scene where he goes to buy the ring.  (Maybe Harry Winston? Some of your producers have connections there from previous seasons of The Bachelor, yes?) 

Belle explains in song why she said no to Gaston after she kicks him out? NO NO NO. We need to hear from her BEFORE she kicks him out! Let's get some Belle bites in there now; if she isn't telling us how she's feeling at every second, how can we root for her? 

BELLE ARRIVES AT BEAST'S MANSION

After conferring with other people here at the network, I really think that the strongest elements in the show are the Beast's staff.  A talking clock? A teapot with a British accent? A French candlestick having an affair with a feather duster? And a boss that looks like Rob Kardashian crossed with a wildebeest? Now THIS is the sexy, urbane show that we ordered!  This has so much comedic and romantic potential.  Comb through your footage and see what we can do to really get the best material we can. Maybe it's a backdoor pilot! We think this could be a great workplace show; think Vanderpump Rules with a less frightening boss. Or a more believable Jerseylicious.  

Belle agrees to stay at the castle instead of her father, but she doesn't tell us why.  I guess it's to get her father out of that cell so he can be free, but if she doesn't tells us this word for word, then how am I to know? HOW AM I TO KNOW? Get a bite in here where she explains this. 

GASTON DRINKS AT THE BAR 

La Fou and Gaston having some bro time is great, but we are missing some opportunities here. La Fou sings this whole song about Gaston's features but does he like-like Gaston? If we can possibly play up that La Fou is gay, this could help get GLAAD off our backs.  Please double check your footage. 

If Gaston is really covered in hair and uses antlers in all of his decorating, then we are really missing a Lumbersexual angle with him that we should really exploit. Let's do some pick up interviews where he's styled like Mumford or one of his Sons. 

BELLE IN THE CASTLE

The Beast does has a great scene with Lumiere & Mrs. Potts about the importance of witch's curse and wilting rose, but this really could be explored a lot more.  When Belle first arrives at the castle looking for her father, let's put in a couple bites to really drive this home. The more often we reiterate a story point, the stronger the story we tell!

BEAST SCARES BELLE 

The Beast scares Belle causing her to run off and then he rescues her from a pack of wolves in the woods. Why haven't we seen these wolves before? Are they there often? Let's set up the wolves in a previous scene so we can really maximize the drama. Also, again here's my mantra: BITES BITES BITES! If the Beast didn't like Belle being in the West Wing of his castle, why is he rescuing her? It's not realistic that a Beast would change its emotions like that so quickly.  Let's get into his head and figure out why the sudden change of heart. 

THE FLIRTING

I can sort of see how the romance is starting to blossom between Beast and Belle but let's drive this home. While they are outside flirting, make the following changes to the audio design:

* When Belle smiles at the Beast as he's feeding the birds, add a cymbal scrape.

* When the Beast looks at Belle as she's walking to the tree, add a cymbal scrape.

* When Belle laughs at the Beast when she sees all of the birds resting on him, add a woodblock sound THEN  a cymbal scrape.  

Let's be creative with the audio design to really tell the audience how they should feel at all times! 

BELLE AND BEAST DANCE

This is the best the Beast has ever looked and Belle finally looks like good. But all we hear during this scene is Mrs. Potts singing. Can we add a bite from the Beast in here, saying how he feels for her. Maybe a funny bite from Cogsworth? Take a look.  

GASTON RALLIES THE TROOPS/INVADES CASTLE

Gaston is really saying "Kill the Beast?" Is there a take where he says "I want to call the Beast out" instead? Per legal, we really can't advocate murder. Maybe cheat in some audio? 

The Beast's staff does a great job fending off the marauding horde. Do they have experience with this? Some additional bites here would really work wonders.  

Is there another take where Gaston learns his lesson and doesn't plummet to his death? We'd like to keep our options open with him (maybe a dating show? On The Hunt With Gaston has a great ring to it).

Belle's confession of love is all nice and good but it could stand more of a setup. Maybe an additional bite about her feelings? Let's play around it it.

Thanks again for attacking these in a timely manner. Please have these tomorrow by 1pm. I look forward to your notes responses as well!

If THE WIZARD OF OZ Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for THE WIZARD OF OZ. If you are worried about being spoiled by one of the most popular films in history, then God help you. 

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THE WIZARD OF OZ FC1 NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning around the previous cut to us so quickly.  We really appreciate the time and effort your team has put into the previous cuts but unfortunately, we are VERY disappointed with the state of the show thus far.  While we understand that sometimes we veer off of the approved outline during production, the cut as it stands is just too different to us to approve.  We'd like another Fine Cut before lock.  A lot of changes need to take place before we're done, so we are unable to give time coded notes at this time.  As it stands right now, the Oz sections are way stronger than the Kansas sections, so we should really focus on our strengths and minimize our weaknesses.  Oz is a very interesting place but we really don't know anything about it.  The audience is craving takeaway info about new places so let's give it to them.  Any fun restaurants in Oz? Shopping? Exciting local customs and fashions? Think less "Lord of the Rings" and more Anthony Bourdain. We also want to do a restructuring as well (see below).  The characters also need more definition and a bite pass is absolutely necessary.  

Please double check to make sure all the songs being used are cleared.  

DOROTHY IN KANSAS

Is there something wrong with the output? This section is in a weird sepia tone black & white, not color.  Our research shows that younger viewers will only accept black and white footage in a Beyonce video.  Please fix this in Color Correction. 

We first see Dorothy and Toto running along a street talking about a mean Mrs. Gulch.  Who is Mrs. Gulch? Where are we? You and I know that she's in Kansas but we cannot assume that the audience does.  Please build out an opening montage showing us Kansas and add a chyron that says "Kansas."  If we tell our audience explicitly what's happening right from the jump, they will be with us the entire time.  

Dorothy is an appealing character; she's sweet and likable in a flyover state sort of way.  But her intentions are a bit muddled.  Please put in a bite along the lines of "I live with my aunt & uncle on a farm in Kansas and my dog Toto is my best friend; Toto bit a mean neighbor, Mrs. Gulch."  In her own words, of course. 

Dorothy does a nice job on "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", but the action has completely stopped at this point and I am BORED.  She wants to go someplace else but this sentiment has absolutely no set up! Guys, this is really, REALLY sloppy.  How can I root for her if she doesn't tell us exactly how she's feeling at all times? Please add a sound up of her saying something like this to Toto.  

I really think we can cut down the rest of this section.  Let's go from the song, to a bit with Mrs. Gulch threatening to take Toto away, to the tornado. (The scene with Professor Marvel can be a web extra) Everything else is really slow and bogging down the action.  Also outside of Dorothy, neither her aunt & uncle nor the agricultural workers are really camera ready.  Are there any attractive farm hands around? We really don't want to alienate our audience so early into the proceedings.  

ARRIVING IN OZ

Wow, Munchkinland looks amazing! So bright and colorful. I really want to go there! Is there a less violent take of Dorothy arriving in Oz? We don't want our audience to think that they have to kill a green woman in order to visit this fun place. 

The denizens of Munchkinland are very interesting.  Considering the current appeal of little people shows, we think there is a lot of potential here. Any more scene work with Dorothy and the Lollipop Guild? This could be a potential backdoor pilot of "Little Women: Lullaby League."  Please double check your footage and let us know.  

Dorothy spends so little time in Munchinkinland. Does she do anything else while there? Any fancy hotels? 

The Wicked Witch of the West makes a great entrance, but this is BEGGING for a bio bite from her. How close was she to her sister? Why are the shoes so important? What does the Mayor of Munchkinland think of her? Let's think outside of the box here and really build her up. She's very important to the rest of the episode so she needs as much set up as possible. 

YELLOW BRICK ROAD

Let's put in a bite from Glinda about how important the Yellow Brick Road is to Oz. Right now it just seems like a pretty pedestrian path and not a main thoroughfare. 

General note: do a graphics pass and show Dorothy's progress through Oz.  How can I root for her to get to the Emerald City if I don't know how far she has to travel?

SCARECROW, TIN MAN, COWARDLY LION

This is a big note for all three of these characters. They all have potential but the current scene work with them is cheap and lackluster.  The Scarecrow wants a brain but comes up with great ideas; the Tin Man has no heart but he's crying all the time.  Guys, we CAN'T be this sloppy. We are better than this. Remember, in our style guide, characters are defined by ONE personality trait that NEVER CHANGES.  We should to the following:

SCARECROW -- wants a brain -- therefore must be dumb and say stupid things.

TIN MAN -- wants a heart -- must be cold and unfeeling.

COWARDLY LION -- wants courage -- must be afraid at all times. 

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST -- mean, wicked -- angry, vengeful, obsessed with shoes

The scene work with the Lion is the most consistent but for the other two, this is just amateur hour.  All the their introduction scenes will need to be recut along these lines. Remember, the audience is counting on us to give them the best story possible!

EMERALD CITY

Let's put a disclaimer at the top warning about the dangers of drug abuse. Either that or we cut the poppies.  

The montage of Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion's spa day in the Emerald City finally has some of the sexy, glamorous footage that we've been craving.  The haircuts, the buffing; this is great. Let's show them doing more in the Emerald City. Any other sights to see? Any great shopping? Can we add a pick up scene of them getting some essentials from Target? We have a great relationship with them and this product integration would really help with the budget. 

Please cut the Lion's "If I Were The King of the Forest".  We think it would be better as a podbuster. 

SEEING THE WIZARD

The Wizard seems intimidating but no one is saying he IS intimidating.  Any bites about the scary wizard? Maybe from the Tin Man? (A bite from the Cowardly Lion is just too on the nose at this point.)

DOROTHY'S CAPTURE BY THE WITCH

While we really do feel for Dorothy as she's watching footage of Auntie Em missing her, we do think that a montage of unseen footage of Dorothy spending quality time with her aunt would really drive that emotion home. Maybe to a Sarah McLachlan soundalike lyric cue? Just thinking out loud here. 

The Scarecrow comes up with idea for infiltrating the Witch's castle? EXCUSE ME, he doesn't have a brain! This is what I'm talking about! Is there another take where the Tin Man comes up with it? If we're stuck with this, please add a bite from the Tin Man along the lines of "For a guy without a brain, I'm surprised the Scarecrow came up with this idea. Maybe he's smarter than he thinks!" This will then give context for the end. Right now, this is just too incongruous to really work. 

Dorothy's rescue works really well, but the Witch's death by water comes completely out of nowhere. It's just too jarring.  Any scene work with her hating water in the Munchkinland section? 

RESTRUCTURING

Ending the entire episode on "it was all a dream" really kills the travelogue strengths of the show.  Since Oz is way more appealing than Kansas (what isn't?), we'd like to kill the epilogue completely. End the episode with Dorothy saying "There's no place like home", and then add a montage of her arriving in Kansas.  We need to keep the episode as sexy as possible; ending it on a dreary farm in the middle of nowhere goes against our network brand. Also, a closing wrap up bite from Dorothy would really help put a button on the proceedings.

We look forward to the changes; please get these to us by noon tomorrow. Thanks!

If STAR WARS Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for STAR WARS. If you are concerned about being spoiled about one of the most popular movies ever made that's been out for 38 years, please get a hobby.

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STAR WARS 104 "A NEW HOPE" FINE CUT 1 NOTES

Hello! Thanks to you and your team for addressing the last round of notes.  As you well know, we here at the network are big fans for Episodes 1-3. They really have the characterization, in-scene sound ups and humor we feel are best for the show.  With that being said, we have to say that 104 is by far our least favorite episode thus far.  Tonally it is so different from the first three we cannot give time coded notes right now.  There are too many general notes that need to be addressed first.  We really need to recapture the flow and tone of the previous episodes; otherwise, our research shows that our viewers will be too confused and wonder what show they are watching.  (A bite pass would work wonders.) Our general notes are below.  Please look them over and let us know what you think!

TITLE

The episode title right now is "A New Hope."  Are we married to that?  Keep in mind that more and more of our viewers are reading the episode descriptions either through their DVR or online.  We NEED a very catchy title to grab the viewers' interest, and right now "A New Hope" is just too vague.  (What does that mean exactly?) How about something like "Luke Rescues Princess Leia"? Or a play on words like "Death Star Becomes Her" or "Kenobi Or Not To Be"? (These are just suggestions; please come up with alternatives)

OPENING/DARTH VADER CAPTURES PRINCESS LEIA

The use of the opening title card really helps to establish the stakes and backstory that we desperately need.  That being said, do we have to go from the title card immediately to the attack on the blockade runner? Let's put in a opening montage first to set the scene; I would love to know which star quadrant they are in. 

I can really feel the tension when Darth Vader is looking around for the rebel plans, but I do feel this could be fleshed out a bit more.  Let's put in a bite from him along the lines of "I really need to get these rebel plans for my boss, Grand Moff Tarkin. It's very important to me and the Emperor that nothing interfere with the construction of the Death Star, which is now the most powerful weapon in the galaxy."  (In his own words, of course.  And avoid using frankenbites.)

The first time we see Princess Leia, she's putting something into the R2D2 robot.  This is a great opportunity to do an intro package with her; who she is, how long has she been serving in the Imperial Senate, and what exactly IS she putting into the droid?  I really like how feisty she is with Darth Vader.  Any bites from the stormtrooper about her sassiness? (Just curious)

C3P0 & R2D2 ARRIVE ON TATOOINE

Please add subtitles to all of the scenes with the droids and the Jawas.  Right now, I have no idea what the Jawas are saying.  In order to make sure every scene has TENSION AND STAKES, it is imperative to know what each person (or alien) is saying at all times.  Also, S&P wants to make sure that there aren't any Jawanese swear words being said.  If so, we'll need to bleep them.  

Luke has a great introduction but he's so whiney! Are there any other takes we can use?  Or maybe a funny bite from Uncle Owen about how childish Luke can be? Please review your interviews.  (Maybe a pick up?)

The introduction of Obi-Wan Kenobi works pretty well, but it could easily be upgraded with a flashback of his best moments from the three previous episodes.  Our audience could really use the reminder of who he is! Also, when Obi-Wan explains the Force to Luke, let's add a bite where he explains what the Force is and how it works.  (I really want to get #midichlorians trending, don't you?")

I know some time has elapsed from Episode 103 to 104, but are there any unused scenes with Jar Jar Binks that we can add?  He is a favorite over here at the network and his type of comedy would be a really great addition.  Let us know. 

MOS EISLEY

Please make sure that all creatures in the Cantina have signed a release.  

When the bartender tells C3PO that he doesn't serve their kind, that's a great opportunity to get a bite from him about how that feels.  Has he experienced such open droidaphobia before? (Side note: would he be available to do a PSA promo for us for Pride Month?)

We know that this has been a bone of contention for the past previous cuts, but we are going to have to insist that in the confrontation between Han Solo and Greedo that Han MUST NOT shoot first.  Otherwise, the audience will completely turn against him! While we understand your arguments for the alternative, we are putting our foot down about this.  Sorry. Also, if you can add a regretful bite from Han about shooting Greedo, we would really appreciate it. 

Side Note: Is it Chewie or Chuy? Please advise. The latter would really help us with our diversity goals for the year. 

GETTING PRINCESS LEIA OFF OF THE DEATH STAR

The plan to get Princess Leia out of cell block AA23 really could use a bite to further explain it. Maybe a fun graphic as well to help get the point across?  Give it a shot. Remember, guys, as storytellers, we need to tell the audience what exactly is going on at all times.  Otherwise, we are not doing our jobs.  

Please add an earlier pick up scene where Darth Vader explains the height requirements for soldiers on the Death Star.  Otherwise Leia's line "Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?" doesn't have context. 

We've been using a lot of orchestral music cues for a while. Let's try switching it up here. Maybe hip hop? Or a Taylor Swift sound-alike? Check your music libraries and let us know if there's a problem.  

ASSAULT OF THE DEATH STAR

When Han Solo leaves the rebels on Yavin, let's put in a bite from Princess Leia where she says while he's gotten on her nerves, she's really going to miss him and hopes he comes back.  This will help set up Han returning at the last second to shoot Darth Vader's ship.  Without this bite, Han's return isn't set up at all and comes out of nowhere.  Attention to detail is key.  We can't be sloppy.   

The actual attack on the Death Star while it's approaching the rebel base is really well done. Kudos to your editing and producing team on this one.  However, when Luke is flying through the trench to the exhaust port and hears Obi-Wan tell him to use the Force, we really need to add a bite where Luke saying how important is it for them to destroy the Death Star.  By hammering this home, the viewers will really be invested in what's going on!

The ceremony at the end is wonderful but it's just aching for a bite from someone to say how happy they are that they have defeated the Empire. If we don't hear them say it, how do we know it's true? We have to wrap this story up with a nice bow; right now, it's a bit messy.  Also, can we use a lyric track for the end? There isn't any dialogue right now so a great cue with some uplifting lyrics would really help sell it.  

Thanks for addressing this is a prompt manner.  Please let us know if you have any questions.  

If MAD MAX: FURY ROAD Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for MAD MAX: FURY ROAD. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please stop reading now. If reading network notes makes you turn red from frustration, please consult your physician.

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Hello! Thanks for sending us MAD MAX: FURY ROAD Fine Cut I. We really do appreciate all your hard work in getting this to us in a timely manner.  Unfortunately, I don't have any time code notes for this cut.  While we appreciate your team's creativity, there are so many general notes we feel need to be addressed first before we nitpick.  Right now in the cut, the audience isn't being told exactly what's going on in an explicit manner. While this may work on other networks, our research has shown that we need to really guide the viewers.  We feel a bite pass is absolutely necessary.  Maybe a comedy pass too?  Let's discuss.

INTRODUCTION

While we appreciate the creative audio design of the different sound ups about how the world fell apart due to climate change and nuclear war, it is really jarring to just start the action with Max on the mountain top surveying the desert.  This would be a great time to put in a package introducing Max.  His name, where he's from, what his interests are, etc.  We feel this would really make him very relatable to our viewers.  He has a great voice; why not hear more of him?

Per legal, please confirm that the two-headed lizard was NOT actually killed and eaten.  

IMMORTAN JOE SECTION

Using the tattoo on Max's back to show that he's a universal blood donor is kind of interesting but I'm not sure where this is going. Wouldn't a set up bite from Max or one of the War Boys be helpful here? Needs some clarification. 

The shot of the large women with the milking machines on their breasts is well done but kind of unnecessary.  Where is this going?  Our storytelling needs to be on point. Bites and some sound ups would really help here as well.  

Wow, Immortan Joe is a villain I really love to hate.  Big props to your casting department.  Let's have legal do another background check on him just in case; I don't want another Honey Boo-Boo incident.  

Great introduction of Furiosa.  She really pops on camera.  But, I'm left with a lot of questions about her. This is another instance where an intro package would really go a long way.  If her last name is Furiosa, what's her first name? Gladys? (Don't know, just curious) Why does she only have one arm? If she has a bite where she cries about losing the arm, it would really help establish her as a woman who is on brand with our network.  Please double check your footage. 

THE ESCAPE/CHASE THROUGH THE DESERT

Furiosa's escape from Immortan Joe's compound is very well shot and thrilling, but the music is a tad monotonous.  Can we vary it up some? Something lighter? Just thinking out loud here.

The Wives are quite a compelling group, but introductions should be happening sooner.  A chryon pass with their names, ages, and professions would really help matters.  (Showing that working women can also be wives is a big thing we are pushing right now throughout all of our networks).

Wow! The truck with the drums and guy with the flame throwing guitar! Amazing. I kind of understand that they are there to bolster the bloodthirsty nature of Joe's psychotic pasty warriors, but it isn't spelled out.  Again, please add a set up bite to clarify this.  Also double check that they are using public domain and/or cleared music.  

Do we need to blur any of the car logos on the killer car machines? Please advise.

This chase scene is going on for a while now. Is there another scene we can cut to? Maybe something lighter? I know I could use a laugh about now!

Oh, NOW I get it about the milking scene from earlier.  I had completely forgotten about it by now.  A bite and a flashback here would be great to remind the audience about this.  Remember, we're storytellers!

MEETING THE VULVINI

Are we really sold on that name "Vulvini" for the older women that Furiosa meets? We may need to bleep it. 

There are a lot of closeups on the old women's faces. Vary up the shots a bit.

Furiosa's breakdown about her old "green place" is moving but vague.  A bite from her would be too on the nose; does one of the other wives have anything to say?

We haven't heard from Max in a while.  We need to remind the viewers that he's still there. Maybe a funny bite or sound-up? 

FINAL CONFRONTATION

The big fight at the end packs quite a wallop but we can't assume our audience will be able to appreciate it the way we do.  Again, clarification IS KEY.  Bites, bites, bites! We need to keep reminding our audience what the stakes are.  Just because we know what a desolate post-apocaplyptic hellscape looks like doesn't mean that they will.  What happens with Furiosa and Max at the end will really set Twitter on fire if we have more bites in general from all parties to tell us how they are feeling.  

If you have any questions about the notes, please do not hesitate to call.  You can get these done by tomorrow, right? 

If MY FAIR LADY Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for a 52-year-old classic musical.  If you don't wish to be spoiled, please go watch the film. Or see the stage musical.  Or read the original Shaw play. Or just get out of the house for a damn minute.  

MY FAIR LADY - NETWORK ROUGH CUT 3 NOTES

A good hello to you and your team.  Thanks for attacking our notes with such vigor.  While we are definitely getting closer to where we need to be, we are nowhere near where we should be.   But the cut as it stands is way too long and we seem to be losing focus. Remember, this is a makeover show. If we’re going to show Eliza in a gown at the ball at the end, let’s do a side-by-side of how she looked as a flower girl. If we can’t shame her by how she looked before, then we aren’t doing our jobs! Also, the entire section with her father should be removed.  (We have plans for that for a possible sizzle reel - see below)  

Eliza is great casting! She's likable and feisty in a relatable sort of way and we do want to root for her as she does through the process.  If people are watching Mama June go from Not To Hot, they'll watch Eliza go from Crass To Class.

One thing to keep in mind that Eliza wants and asks for this makeover; her complaints about the consequences for this experiment casts the show in a dark light.  In order to do allay this, let's do some big restructuring in the latter third.  Also, we desperately need a bite pass.  Where are the bites we requested? Once we emphasize the makeover aspect for the show, we then will feel comfortable giving time-coded notes.  Right now, we don't. 

COVENT GARDEN

Higgins has a great introduction guessing everyone's hometown based on their dialect. And the fact that he does it to song is quite impressive. But since this is lacking a juicy intro package, the audience will have no idea who he is and why he's there.  Get Higgins to say something like "Hello, my name is Professor Henry Higgins.  I'm the top phoneticist is all of England.  I can tell you exactly where you come from just based on you saying two sentences."  Get this exactly and put this over b-roll of him working with students.  If he's our expert, we need to have him say it and show it. Otherwise, our viewers will be lost!    

Since Eliza is the subject of our transformation, we also need to set her up as well. She also needs an intro package that clearly states why she wants to do this. Has she always wanted to work in a flower shop? Has she always dreamt of going to a fancy embassy ball? We have to always plainly state what our main characters want at all times -- that's storytelling!

Every time Eliza speaks, she really needs to be subtitled.  I know our audience really don't like to read but with this show, I'll take the risk. 

"Wouldn't It Be Loverly" is nice but it doesn't really move the action forward. Please make it a snap-in.

ELIZA'S OFFER

Eliza comes over to Higgins' house and makes him an offer for him to teach her proper elocution.  While she says this in scene, we definitely need for her to say it in bite as well. (We already gave this note once!) Our research shows that the bulk of our demographic watch this show as a second screen. They need to be able to follow what's happening while they are on Snapchat. If we don't, they'll  be confused and change the channel. And we can't have THAT.   

While we've already met Colonel Pickering at Covent Garden, let's go ahead and give him a big intro package here too. Have him say something like "I'm Colonel Pickering. I'm a master of Indian languages and dialects.  I recently left the military and I love to help people in need."  If he doesn't say it, how do I know he believes this? By merely watching his behavior in scene? That's just not enough!

Higgins agrees to take on Eliza as a client and says some bold things to her (having her sleep in the dustbin is one of my favorites). Does he say anything even more outrageous?  If we are going to drive Twitter traffic and ratings, we really need to exploit this. Think less Stacy on "What Not To Wear" and more Gordon Ramsey on "Kitchen Nightmares." (Maybe call the show "Dreadful Diction'? Let's discuss!) Add in some more highly egregious phrases.  Our female audience will eat up the insults and those will definitely add some power to the Supertease. 

"Let A Woman In Your Life" should be cut. If Higgins is gay, that's fine. We don't need a whole number about it. 

DOOLITTLE

Eliza's father has great presence on camera. His take on morality is very interesting and relevant to our current political situation.  Which is to say: this is a total snoozeville and not appropriate for our show. However, this lecture tour of America where he talks about income inequality sounds like a great idea for one of our sister networks that wins Emmys. It's like a TED talk that's actually interesting! Put together a sizzle reel with that footage and I'll see what I can do on my end. "Doolittle Says A Lot" has a great ring to it, don't you think?

"POOR PROFESSOR HIGGINS" & "THE RAIN IN SPAIN"

While overly long, this extended montage showing Eliza training is very clever in its use to music and editing to show a passage of time.  Kudos to your team for this; please cut it by 2/3's and add bites from all involved.  

"I Could Have Danced All Night" is lovely but Eliza's happiness with her progress would be better suited in some bites during the montage.  Let's make this number a web extra. 

ASCOT GAVOTTE

The legendary race track looks glorious, as do most of the people there. This really need some context. Perhaps a great info graphic on the history of the track would be some great take-home information for the audience.  That'll make them feel smart!

Please make sure that all of the horses on the race track have signed a release.  

When Eliza blurts out "Move your bloomin' ass!", this is lacking the impact that it desperately needs. Let's re-cut the build up to this.  Add in some more audio design and a few bites to help raise the stakes.  If this moment is not important to us, it won't be important to the audience! Stakes and bites, bites and stakes! That should be our mantra, people!

"On The Street Where You Live" is nice but a bit stalker-y. Make it a snap in. 

EMBASSY BALL

While it's obvious that Eliza, Henry and Pickering are nervous, again, some bites here would work wonders.  Have Eliza say something like "I really feel out of my element here and I know I could do a great job. I hope I don't mess up! That would be gravely embarrassing for myself, Henry and Colonel Pickering!" (Please get this verbatim) 

Let's play with the audio design during this scene.  Every time someone compliments Eliza, add a cymbal scrape.  Every time Zoltan the villainous language teacher gets stopped from talking to Eliza, add a cymbal bow.  We need to underline every moment possible.  Remember, subtlety is for scripted TV, not reality!

AFTER THE BALL

This whole romance between Eliza and Freddie is afterthought.  Let's just go from Eliza's success at the ball to a pick up scene where Eliza is set up in her own flower shop.  The whole section where she leaves and comes back to Higgins and the romance with Freddie... that's a whole other show.  Based on the ratings and how the audience responds to Eliza, we can maybe do another show tracking her romantic life.  As of right now, this just muddies the water and distracts us from what we bought in the first place: A makeover show taking a working class girl (and have fun at how rough she is) and making her a classy woman (without alienating our target audience). Got it?

Please turn these notes around by 5pm today with responses.  Thanks a bunch!