JURASSIC PARK 101 FINE CUT 1 NOTES
Thanks for getting our previous notes turned around so quickly. However, we do feel that the cut is still too far off from where it needs to be. So, we'll give time-coded notes after this cut. There is so much emphasis on what is going wrong at the park that I don't want to go there. Remember, guys, this is a travel show; we have to make the viewer want to travel! If they feel that this place is a prehistorical murder zone, no one will want to go there!
If we are going to salvage what we have and tell this story, then we really have to be open and forthcoming with the audience as possible. Just because we know what a scary thing it is to have a dinosaur try to kill us, we can't assume that the audience does. We really need a thorough and complete bite pass. Maybe a comedy pass too?
The workers at Isla Nublar are installing a creature into a new pen, but I really can't make it out. Is there a clearer shot of it? Right now, it's just a bunch of quick cuts as it is killing one of the workers. Let's get a clear shot of the creature so we know what it is (and then we can blur it).
AMBER MINE SECTION & DR. GRANT SECTION
We need to put focus on the park itself. Let's establish Dr. Grant and Dr. Settler in an opening package when they arrive at the park, so let's lose these two sections. If we include these scenes that are not in Costa Rica, the audience will be confused. The title says "Jurassic Park"; why are we in Montana?
NEDRY AND SECRET AGENT
I'm not sure Barbasol would appreciate their trade-out involving them with corporate espionage. Do we have any other scene work with Nedry? If not, let's add a bite from him along the lines of "Jurassic Park is so interesting I'm willing to break the law to get the word out!" Maybe this scene comes later?
ARRIVING AT THE PARK
This is how we should start the show. Start with big sweeping shots of the island and a bite telling everyone that this is a park that has a massive amount of genetically engineered dinosaurs. We have to grab the audience right away. If we leave time for our audience to discover new things, they'll get bored and change the channel! We need shots of the big dinosaurs within the first 30 seconds! (That way we can get #hugedinosaurs trending right away!) Then cut to the helicopter ride over, let's do an intro package so we get to know our scientists/hosts. Let's add some bites like "I'm Dr. Grant, I'm an archeologist and I love my job!" Here we can add shots of him and Dr. Sattler working on the dig in Montana. Make the Dr. Malcolm package short; any lengthy discussion of mathematics and chaos theory will turn off our key demographic. Have him talk about how he likes his leather jacket; women (per our research) like that!
We are supposed to see a tour but I feel like we don't know the park at all right now. Where is the fun shopping? Where can I get one-of-a-kind collectables? Where is the great fine dining? All we're seeing is just boring science and gloom-and-doom. It's an amusement park and I am not amused. Please recut this with a strong comedy pass.
I can tell from the scene that Hammond is excited to see his grandkids, but we isn't saying it exactly. Let's get a bite from him saying "I am excited to see my grandkids!" and have him elaborate on that. The only way I can tell if someone loves their grandchildren is by hearing them say it explicitly.
I am impressed with the access we've gotten here at the park, but the only behind the scenes stuff we're getting is just depressing. Let's get a bit more process-y here and have Hammond talk about how the paddocks work, where to get a churro, etc. Here we can put in a ton of graphics and lots of sexy dinosaur shots. The audience won't be impressed unless we tell them to be!
NEDRY STEALING THE EMBRYOS
It's been a while since we've heard what Nedry is trying to do; let's throw in a flashback of him meeting with the corporate espionage agent. Constantly reminding the audience about a person's intentions will really help amp the tension! (Also, we can work in more shots of the Barbasol for our trade-out deal.)
TYRANNOSAURUS REX ATTACK
Just because the kids are screaming while the Rex is attacking, we can't assume that the audience will know that it's scary. Add some scared bites from them so we really know how they are feeling at every moment. Also, add a flashback of Dr. Grant saying that the T-Rex's vision is based on vision. The audience may pay attention to these sort of things on a scripted show, but for a reality show, we can't take that chance!
(Thinking out loud here: can we add a bite from the T-Rex saying how she usually doesn't eat lamb but sometimes she'll make an exception? Could be funny!)
Dr. Grant discovering the eggs is good and all, and his explanation about how the all-female dinosaur population could possibly lay eggs is great but it really needs some previous set up. So, during the tour, let's add a bite from Dr. Grant or Settler along the lines of "If you use frog DNA that could possibly lead to the dinosaurs changing genders." Since we aren't being obvious, the audience could be lost. Let's guide them the entire time by telling everything that they should know and feel. It's called Story Telling!
We haven't heard from Malcolm in a while. Any fun scene work with him recuperating from his wounds? Let's change things up a bunch!
Let's add a flashback about how smart the raptors are. Otherwise Bob Peck's line "Clever girl" doesn't have the proper context.
At the end when the T-Rex kills the raptor, let's add a bite from one of the kids thanking the T-Rex for saving them. That way, the audience can know that they are relieved!
Thanks for addressing these notes in a timely manner. Please have them and your responses by 5pm today. Thanks!