If CAPTAIN MARVEL Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for CAPTAIN MARVEL. If you don’t wish to be spoiled, please skip ahead to another post. Because Carol Danvers has no time for your crap.

CAPTAIN MARVEL FINE CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Big thanks to you and your team for getting the last cut out to us so quickly. We really do appreciate that. We are getting closer to where we need to be for this to be right but we are way off from where we need to be. Remember, we are trying to tell the best story possible in the most creative way possible but in a way that’s accessible and digestible but that’s different from other shows but similar enough so our audience can follow what we are doing while ordering Grub Hub on their phones. Got it?

We have some big overall notes that need to be addressed; once that happens, we can send you some time coded notes. It’s all hands on deck, people!

VERS AKA CAROL

We here at the network aren’t totally sold on Vers… I mean, Carol. She has two names? One can pick up on the context clues that “Vers” is the name the Kree have given her but her birth name is Carol. But I was eating my keto kale chicken salad and I looked down for a minute while taking notes and I missed all of this! Our audience isn’t as sophisticated as I am, so maybe let’s pick Carol having just one name and be done with it. Otherwise, it’s confusing!

Another thing about Carol: we don’t know who she is! Yes, we understand that her having amnesia is the story hook and the audience discovers her as she discovers herself. But is there extra footage where Carol doesn’t have amnesia? We need to establish her right off the bat so the audience can know who she is in one simple intro package. We need to know her even though she doesn’t know herself. That’s storytelling!

While we do appreciate the lower thirds showing which planet we’re on, I do feel that we don’t know enough about the planets themselves. Let’s make them characters! Sure, Hala is the Kree homeworld, but what is the climate there like? What are there major imports/exports? Any famous Instagram influencers on that planet? Let’s dive in and find out!

VERS ON HALA

We see Vers/Carol on Hala training with her boss. This is a perfect place for an intro bite! (UGH, where is the bite pass we requested?) Let’s have her say something like “Hi, I’m Vers. I live on Hala, the Kree home world! I’m part of the military force and we are currently fighting a long war with the evil shapeshifting Skrulls! In addition to my hand-to-hand combat skills, I can shoot energy beams out of my hands and I like volunteering at homeless shelters!” (Try to get that verbatim) We can’t root for her if we don’t know everything about her right off the bat. By telling the audience everything that’s going on, they can follow our story while still playing on their iPads. It’s storytelling 101!

AMBUSH AT TORFA

We meet Vers/Carol’s crew on their way to Torfa. Again, this would be a great place for an intro package for the team! Man, this is just so sloppy. Have Yon-Rogg introduce each person and their speciality. Does Minn-Erva like being a sniper? Is At-Lass really good at being an infantry soldier? Does Yon-Rogg like creme brûlée? Our audience would like to know! (Also, is it possible to do a spin-off with Yon-Rogg and his crew as they are fighting the Skrulls, something that shows him being an intimidating boss with a bunch of lovable-but-incompetent staff. Something like a military VANDERPUMP RULES? Or a less scary LINDSAY LOHAN BEACH CLUB? Write up a deck and bring it to our development people next week!)

VERS ON EARTH

Vers crash lands on earth… in the middle of a Blockbuster Video. Ha, that’s hilarious! However, legal isn’t sure we can show such wonton destruction of a viable brand. Can we do another take where she crashes into a mom and pop store? Comb through your footage and let us know.

Vers should be disorientated and concerned about finding the Skrulls. I’m not getting that at all… because she doesn’t have a bite story about it! Bites, bites bites! Let’s add a bite in here from her, something like “I’m on a backwards planet looking for a bunch of shapeshifting aliens all while I’m getting odd memories popping up. I’m not sure what I’m going to do but I’m going to press forward because as a Kree soldier with energy powers that I don’t understand, I have to keep going!” (Please get this verbatim). By her telling us how she’s feeling at all times, we can root for her and our advertisers can sell yogurt during the commercial breaks. It’s a win-win!

Okay, wait. There’s a Blockbuster Video store. We’ll probably need a bite to explain what a video store is for our younger viewers. We don't want to alienate them — who else is going to tweet about the show? SIDE NOTE: Can we have Carol or Maria live-tweet the premiere? Any bit will help!

We meet Agent Nick Fury… and he doesn’t have an intro package. WHY? Man, whoever edited this should go into hotel/motel management. This is just shoddy work. Get an intro package here explaining who Nick Fury is, who Agent Coulson is, what SHIELD is, why they are there at the video store, why they like their jobs and something fun about them so the audience can fall in love with them right away. Oh, and don’t make the bites too long. We don’t want to bore anyone!

Based on the clothing, the video store, the cars and Nick’s comment about the accident with the plane happening 6 years ago at 1989, we can deduce that this is taking place in 1995. This is reality TV: you can’t expect our audience to do that much math! What are we, PBS? Through in a chyron when Carol crashes onto Earth that says “Los Angeles, California. 1995.” Spelling everything out for the audience is the height of storytelling!

I hate to sound racist, but the Skrulls aren’t terribly camera friendly. Is there a way of making them more attractive in the online? Get creative and find a way to make them not look like Nosferatu lizards. LET’S TALK.

CAROL GETS HER MEMORIES BACK

Give us an intro package for Maria Rambeau, Carol’s fighter pilot friend. C’mon, you guys, this is obvious. We can’t fall in love with our cast if we don’t have them explain themselves every 90 seconds. That’s in our style guide!

Once Carol starts putting together what happened to her, let’s add in some bites from her about how she’s feeling about her mentor betraying her. If she doesn’t explicitly say in a bite that she’s hurt and offended by that betrayal, then how am I know? By just picking up on her mood and body language?! That may work in scripted but not here! Add some bites into this. Pronto.

We love the cat! He’s so cute. Please make sure he’s signed a release.

Please turn these notes around with a notes response doc by 4pm tomorrow EST. Thanks!

If AVENGERS INFINITY WAR Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for AVENGERS INFINITY WAR. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please see the film first and then read this.  Unless you have the Time Stone, then you can do this in whatever order you want. 

AVENGERS INFINITY WAR FINE CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES

Hello all! Thank you for turning around the notes so quickly. We know we gave you our notes past the deadline but what are you going to do, stop us? I honestly don't know how you could have made this show any worse, but somehow you managed.  No previously on? No flashbacks? No bites?! Where's the chyron pass we need? (We didn't ask but you should anticipate our wishes by now) This is sloppy and borderline-unprofessional.  Until we get what we need, time-coded notes will just have to wait.  To say we are in damage control mode is an understatement. This cut needs A LOT of work. 

ASGARDIAN SHIP

Wait, we're in space? And Thanos and his minions have taken over? And Thor is hurt and laying on the ground? Wow, guys.  What the heck. First of all, we need a Previously On.  Let's set everything up at this point. Thanks, Thor, Heimdall, Loki, the Guardians, Iron Man, Doctor Strange, the big bang, all of it.  We need CONTEXT. And we are lacking that.  Secondly, we don't immediately start a scene right on story.  We need some preamble first; then get into story.  Does Thor and Heimdall have a fun witty chat about a non-story subject? Is Korg having fun on the ship? Is Valkyrie drinking a mimosa? Comb through your footage and let's put in a humorous beat before Thanos arrives.  Starting the show like this is just careless. It's like you're assuming that the audience has watched all other 18 episodes right before this and can pick it up! That may work in scripted, but not here!

Thanks wants the Space Stone from Loki. This is a great opportunity for a great big intro package for Thanos. Have him lead it off with a bite like "I'm Thanos, known as the Mad Titan. I have a lot of power and a bunch of unruly adopted children. Kinda like the Brady Bunch but more homicidal. I'm looking to collect the Infinity Stones so I can wipe out half of life in the galaxy because I think it's way overpopulated. I'm just thinking about the greater good, you know?" Get him to say this in his own words, please.  (And make it funny!) 

Wait, speaking of Loki, he should get an intro package too to reintroduce him to the audience. In fact, all of the main players should get an intro package. You can't assume that the audience is paying attention and can remember all of these characters. Make sure all 20 characters get good, thorough intro packages. But remember, the locked cut is only 43:30, so make sure they all fit and we get a good tight, compelling story. I now your crew can do it!

When Loki gets killed, this is a great opportunity for a bite. How does he feel about dying? Does he wish he got along with Thor more? Is he a kleptomaniac? Comb through your interviews and see what you have. If not, just do a pick up! 

HULK CRASHES BACK TO EARTH

I can figure out we're in New York with all of the landmarks, but a lower third here would really help us out. In fact, please add a wild line of Tony Stark saying "I love jogging in New York, don't you, Pepper?" so any viewers who are looking at their phones and not at the screens can follow along.  

When Tony says to Hulk "Stop it, you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards", does he have a bite explaining what a wizard is? Some members of our audience may not know so let's cover our bases here and put it in.  Telling the audience everything that's going on is the heart of what we do; storytelling!

Per S&P, double check to make sure we can send a teenage Spider-Man to space. We don't want to be in violation of any Jackie Coogan laws here. Thanks!

SCOTLAND

Whoa, Vision and the Scarlet Witch are a couple? Who saw that coming? This definitely needs a big background package. Get them in a joint interview where they can playfully banter about being romantic while on the run from the world's law enforcement agencies while also telling us why they are on the run and what their powers are. Refreshing the audience's memory is essential to storytelling! 

THE GUARDIANS FIND THOR

I think it's funny that Quill is jealous of Thor's muscles and good looks.  I say "I THINK" because there's no bite in here to tell me! Ugh! Add a bite from Peter about how he's envious of Thor. Either that or add a bite from Groot along the lines of "I am Groot. I AM groot. i am GROOOOOOT."  (Please get that verbatim)

VISITING THE COLLECTOR ON KNOWHERE

Wow, the Collector has a lot of interesting items in his collection. Are they cleared? Please have your clearance coordinator double check to make sure we can show all of those artifacts. If not, that whole scene will have to be blurred. 

The Guardians have a great face off with Thanos and he double tricks them using the Reality Stone. Wait, he's collecting stones? I forgot! Please put in a flashback to Thanos explaining why he needs the stones and how he got the other stones already. This will be beneficial just in case someone is just tuning in now and they won't be lost! (Please also add in another flashback like this 12 minutes from now for the same reason)

VORMIR

Please add a disclaimer that people should not push their loved ones off a cliff to get a rare item. (That behavior gets a slide on "Antiques Roadshow" but it's PBS so no one cares). 

As Gamora is plummeting to her death, please add a bite about how she's feeling at the time. If she doesn't tell me she wants to live, how am I supposed to know how to feel? Just listen to her scream? NOT ENOUGH, GUYS.

FIGHT IN WAKANDA

Please make sure all of the Wakandan soldiers have signed a release. 

We really need a thorough chyron pass here. In fact, every time a character appears on camera during this scene, please put their chyron up. Also, make add some sound ups of characters using other people's names so those suburban moms in Overland Park, KS can follow along while they do dishes. 

During the key battle, please add in bites from Captain America, Okoye, Black Panther, Black Widow and others telling us why this fight is important and how they are feeling about it. We really need to set the stakes here. Sure, it's been said that if Thanos gets all of the Infinity Stones he will wipe out half of all life in the universe, but unless the Winter Soldier tells me in an interview that Thanos must be stopped, then how am I supposed to know that this is important? Let's spell this out guys.  Here, I'll spell this out for you: S-T-A-K-E-S A-R-E E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Got it? Good. 

END

As half of the universe starts drifting into oblivion, let's get some bites in there about how people are feeling about blinked out of existence.  Spider-Man has a nice sound up, but what about T'Challa?  Get a pick up of it, if you have to. 

Please get the next cut to us with notes responses by tomorrow at 4pm EST. Thanks!

If ARRIVAL Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains a lot - and I mean, a lot - of spoilers of one of the highest-grossing Best Picture nominees of 2016.  If you do not want to be spoiled, go see the movie first then come back.  But, I may have told you this already...

ARRIVAL Rough Cut 2 Network Notes

Hello to you and your team! Thanks for turning around our ream of notes so quickly. Here's another one. (LOL!) We do think some progress has been made but as of this moment, this show is not ready at all.  We definitely need another rough cut before we can continue.  There are some major changes that need to be made. Until all of these issues are addressed to our liking, are done, no time-coded notes will be given.   We absolutely need a bite pass. And a comedy pass too! Some goofy or bitchy humor can go a long way. 

First of all, the structure! What are you guys thinking? It's all over the place.  Whoever edited this should get out of the business.  (Seriously, we want a new editor on this. Maybe a new story producer as well, to give us fresh eyes? Give me a call in the next 20 minutes. I have to go to set to another show; one of our stars has locked herself in a bathroom and refuses to a reunion show. No rest for the wicked! [You didn't hear any of this from me.]) We need to think more linearly. Just because we're all sophisticated storytellers doesn't mean that our audience is! Let's keep this in mind. Maybe we add some reset bites every 9 minutes? Some flashbacks? Let's open up our bag of tricks and shake it until it's empty, people!

Secondly, we need to refocus the story. The outline I approved focused on a fun, sexy college professor who helps to give some aliens a makeover so they can really strut themselves on Earth.  Instead, we have a story where this dowdy brainy doctor tries to talk to some aliens we can barely see for 116 minutes and we spend the bulk of our time playing with giant damn flash cards! This is not witty! This is not urbane! This is not the show we ordered.  You guys need to dig through the material and come up with something that feels more on brand for us.  Do the aliens have a hoarding problem? Let's discuss.

Finally, our lead.  Per our research, our core demographic prefer women who talk about being good at their job without us actually having to see them being good at their job.  Sure, Dr. Louise is a brilliant linguist who is suffering from the loss of her child.  But does she have any scene work where she's kicking back with her friends at work, complaining about her boss? Are there any takes where she's a fun expensive peasant top with oversized sunglasses?  Does she have a favorite label of Pinot Grigio that she likes to throw? Please comb through your footage. Let's make Louise as relatable as possible.  Sometimes we need to protect our cast from themselves.

OPENING

Oh good, VO! Oh no, Louise's child dies? Wait, it's her child, right? Ugh, I'm so confused! We're starting with a death?! (Again, structure, guys!) Let's kick off with a bite like "I'm Dr. Louise Banks. I'm a college professor who specializes in linguistics and my child recently died of cancer."  (Please get this in their own words but as close to my words as possible but have it be playful.) 

Once the alien ships arrive, let's make sure we use a lower third that says "Alien Spacecraft" every time we see it.  Just in case someone comes onto the show halfway through, I want to make sure they aren't lost.  

Let's build up some intro packages for the Colonel and Ian.  We get good info on them both in scene but let's really milk this for as much as possible. We should make a meal of these scenes and right now, you're just serving appetizers!

GOING INTO THE SHELL

Our first trip into the UFO should be a huge, exhilarating experience.  Right now, it's slow and creepy. Wrong-wrong-wrong! It's a spaceship; therefore it's really expensive! This needs to be more flashy and aspirational. Let's play around with the editing here. Think of "Cribs" in Space. Or "Intergalactic House Hunters."

We have scene after scene of the aliens communicating and we have no idea what they're saying or what they want.  This is shabby storytelling.  How can we tell the best story possible if we can't tell what's happening at all times? Let's get some into bites from the aliens in here, pronto! And some subtitles wouldn't hurt either.  "Honey Boo Boo" had subtitles; these aliens aren't as bizarre. 

Per S&P, please make sure that there are no swear words in any of the communications from the aliens. 

BACK AT THE BASE

Louise is having some memories of her daughter? All of a sudden? And she's getting overwhelmed by them? The editing here is very weird.  I have no idea what's going on. Let's recut this scene and add a few bites to explain.  Enigmatic may go over well in scripted but this is reality, guys! Real people explain every little thing they do! Also, we can't have a flashback for something the audience hasn't seen yet. Talk about confusing... 

Who's the soldier talking to his wife on the phone? We met him before? I completely forgot.  Let's add a flashback to when we first met him.  Don't be afraid of chyrons, either.  Let's make lower thirds are friends, not our enemies!

Whoa, is that a bomb? Why are the soldiers bringing on a bomb? Sure, there was the conversation that the soldier had where his wife was freaked out on the phone and everyone is wigged out about aliens giving the phrase "Use Weapon", but as always, clarity is key.  Let's recut this scene so even if someone is washing dishes in the other room they can follow it completely. This, guys, is true storytelling!

AFTER THE EXPLOSION

Yikes, another flashback to Louise's child.  Let's set up this flashback with a flashback of the previous flashback to the audience knows it's a flashback and they can be ready for possibly more flashbacks. 

Also, we really need a big music pass.  All of the orchestral cues get monotonous after a while.  Let's throw in some hip hop cues.  Maybe a Big Sean soundalike?  Let's discuss.

LOUISE GOES INTO THE SHELL SOLO

Why is she going by herself? Why are we cutting in another flashback to "no zero-sum game" to her daughter after someone says it in the present? Again, the editing is just baffling.  If you are having problems, I'll come to the bay tomorrow myself with one of our promo editors to help out.  We love stories!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Her kid isn't even born yet?! And Louise is looking at the future? And she's been doing this this whole time? So we've been having flash forwards? No.  NO NO NO NO NO. This is bad storytelling and highly sloppy.  All this does is to confuse the audience and turn them off.  This is just too much. The model for this show should be "What Not To Wear", not "Lost."

Louise has the flash forward to meeting Chiang at a conference and he says how important it is for her to call him in the past.  This is a super complex idea here. And the only way to sell this to our audience is through a bite, people! Have Louise convey this in a way that can be understood in 140 characters or less. If the idea can't be easily retweeted, then it doesn't belong on this show!

Please do these notes and send us a notes response by 4pm today.  Thanks a bunch!

If JURASSIC PARK Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

JURASSIC PARK 101 FINE CUT 1 NOTES

Thanks for getting our previous notes turned around so quickly. However, we do feel that the cut is still too far off from where it needs to be.  So, we'll give time-coded notes after this cut.  There is so much emphasis on what is going wrong at the park that I don't want to go there. Remember, guys, this is a travel show; we have to make the viewer want to travel! If they feel that this place is a prehistorical murder zone, no one will want to go there! 

If we are going to salvage what we have and tell this story, then we really have to be open and forthcoming with the audience as possible.  Just because we know what a scary thing it is to have a dinosaur try to kill us, we can't assume that the audience does.  We really need a thorough and complete bite pass.  Maybe a comedy pass too?

OPENING

The workers at Isla Nublar are installing a creature into a new pen, but I really can't make it out. Is there a clearer shot of it? Right now, it's just a bunch of quick cuts as it is killing one of the workers.  Let's get a clear shot of the creature so we know what it is (and then we can blur it). 

AMBER MINE SECTION & DR. GRANT SECTION

We need to put focus on the park itself. Let's establish Dr. Grant and Dr. Settler in an opening package when they arrive at the park, so let's lose these two sections.  If we include these scenes that are not in Costa Rica, the audience will be confused.  The title says "Jurassic Park"; why are we in Montana?

NEDRY AND SECRET AGENT

I'm not sure Barbasol would appreciate their trade-out involving them with corporate espionage. Do we have any other scene work with Nedry? If not, let's add a bite from him along the lines of "Jurassic Park is so interesting I'm willing to break the law to get the word out!"  Maybe this scene comes later? 

ARRIVING AT THE PARK

This is how we should start the show. Start with big sweeping shots of the island and a bite telling everyone that this is a park that has a massive amount of genetically engineered dinosaurs. We have to grab the audience right away. If we leave time for our audience to discover new things, they'll get bored and change the channel! We need shots of the big dinosaurs within the first 30 seconds! (That way we can get #hugedinosaurs trending right away!) Then cut to the helicopter ride over, let's do an intro package so we get to know our scientists/hosts.  Let's add some bites like "I'm Dr. Grant, I'm an archeologist and I love my job!" Here we can add shots of him and Dr. Sattler working on the dig in Montana. Make the Dr. Malcolm package short; any lengthy discussion of mathematics and chaos theory will turn off our key demographic.  Have him talk about how he likes his leather jacket; women (per our research) like that!

THE TOUR

We are supposed to see a tour but I feel like we don't know the park at all right now. Where is the fun shopping? Where can I get one-of-a-kind collectables? Where is the great fine dining? All we're seeing is just boring science and gloom-and-doom. It's an amusement park and I am not amused. Please recut this with a strong comedy pass.  

HAMMOND'S GRANDKIDS

I can tell from the scene that Hammond is excited to see his grandkids, but we isn't saying it exactly.  Let's get a bite from him saying "I am excited to see my grandkids!" and have him elaborate on that. The only way I can tell if someone loves their grandchildren is by hearing them say it explicitly.  

BEHIND-THE-SCENES

I am impressed with the access we've gotten here at the park, but the only behind the scenes stuff we're getting is just depressing.  Let's get a bit more process-y here and have Hammond talk about how the paddocks work, where to get a churro, etc. Here we can put in a ton of graphics and lots of sexy dinosaur shots. The audience won't be impressed unless we tell them to be!

NEDRY STEALING THE EMBRYOS

It's been a while since we've heard what Nedry is trying to do; let's throw in a flashback of him meeting with the corporate espionage agent.  Constantly reminding the audience about a person's intentions will really help amp the tension! (Also, we can work in more shots of the Barbasol for our trade-out deal.)

TYRANNOSAURUS REX ATTACK

 Just because the kids are screaming while the Rex is attacking, we can't assume that the audience will know that it's scary.  Add some scared bites from them so we really know how they are feeling at every moment. Also, add a flashback of Dr. Grant saying that the T-Rex's vision is based on vision.  The audience may pay attention to these sort of things on a scripted show, but for a reality show, we can't take that chance!

(Thinking out loud here: can we add a bite from the T-Rex saying how she usually doesn't eat lamb but sometimes she'll make an exception?  Could be funny!)

EGGS

Dr. Grant discovering the eggs is good and all, and his explanation about how the all-female dinosaur population could possibly lay eggs is great but it really needs some previous set up.  So, during the tour, let's add a bite from Dr. Grant or Settler along the lines of "If you use frog DNA that could possibly lead to the dinosaurs changing genders." Since we aren't being obvious, the audience could be lost. Let's guide them the entire time by telling everything that they should know and feel. It's called Story Telling!

We haven't heard from Malcolm in a while. Any fun scene work with him recuperating from his wounds? Let's change things up a bunch!

RAPTOR ATTACK

Let's add a flashback about how smart the raptors are. Otherwise Bob Peck's line "Clever girl" doesn't have the proper context. 

At the end when the T-Rex kills the raptor, let's add a bite from one of the kids thanking the T-Rex for saving them.  That way, the audience can know that they are relieved!

Thanks for addressing these notes in a timely manner. Please have them and your responses by 5pm today.  Thanks!

If THE HUNGER GAMES Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot elements for the first HUNGER GAMES film.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please don't read further. If network notes make you angry, have a shot of bourbon.

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THE HUNGER GAMES FINE CUT 1 NOTES

Hello! Thanks for getting us this cut in a timely manner.  We really feel that there's a great show in here, but unfortunately, there are just too many disparate elements in the cut right now.  Remember, guys, THE HUNGER GAMES is a competition show; we need to emphasize the competition! "Tension and stakes" need to be our mantra! If we don't repeatedly drive home how important these games are to the contestants, the audience will be bored. Right now, we are putting sooooo much emphasis on Katniss, it's pretty obvious that she wins. Let's throw in some red herrings here and make sure our story telling is on point. Until this is done, we cannot give time coded notes.  Let's do a comprehensive bite pass so we can really feel for the contestants.  Further music and comedy passes would also help out a lot. 

OPENING

This whole entire opening section with Katniss and her family and then hunting with Gale is just off the mark. As this is a competition show, we need to start with them getting ready for the competition.  Please remove this entire section and let's start at the Reaping.  If the audience doesn't know right off the bat that this is an intense competition show, they will be confused and not watch any further!

REAPING

Once Katniss volunteers to take the place of her sister, then add in a strong Katniss intro package.  Who she is, what she likes about District 12, her hobbies, what her favorite Capitol fashions are, etc.  This is where we can show footage of her hunting and using her bow and arrow.  Make sure to add a bite along the lines of "Even though I'm a girl, I really do like to hunt. I'm hoping my archery skills would be really helpful in games!" That way, when she uses the bow and arrow later, the audience won't be confused.

Let's also add in a Peeta intro package as well.  In his package, make sure to add that he's single and a romantic; otherwise him falling in love with Katniss later won't have any context.  

TRAIN RIDE TO CAPITOL

I'm leaning towards killing this whole sequence.  It's lessening the tension of the show.  Haymitch is just too sad. Remember: we like fun drunks, not morose drunks.  Yes, I understand that he drinks in order to lessen the guilt he feels for killing 23 other adolescents when we won the games years ago, but man, this is just depressing! If we do end up keeping this section, put in some bites from both Katniss and Peeta saying how badly they want to win and how important it is to them.  Remember, this is a competition!  If the stakes are not vitals to us, they won't be vital to the audience.

TRIBUTE PARADE

Here is a great opportunity to put in some bio bites from the other contestants.  Which districts are they from? What music do they like to listen to? What is their favorite way to kill someone?  These bits of information will really help establish these players into the minds of our viewers so they can root for someone.  If the audience doesn't know how a 10-year-old from District 5 likes to garrote people with fishing line, how can they get invested in the competition?

The big, booming triumphant music here works very well.  Please continue using these types of cues as it lets the audience know when something crucial happens.  Remember, bombastic music = important!

TRAINING 

This whole section can be cut down as a montage. This is too slow.

GAMEMAKERS EVALUATE THE TRIBUTES

This whole section can be removed.  Let's make this a web extra.

TRIBUTES INTERVIEW WITH CESAR

This whole section should be removed.  Maybe a snap-in?

GAMES BEGIN

Ugh, finally! It's taking waaaaay too long to get to this portion.  When all the tributes are in place, let's throw in big stakes bites. If they are fighting for their lives, we have to hear it from them! We want to get the audience off of swiping right on Tinder and on their iPads tweeting like crazy!

When the games start and the blood bath begins, the camera work right now is just too shaky.  Let's go for some wides and medium shots to show which child is killing which.  If I can't see who's winning, I can't be invested. 

As Katniss gets up into the tree, let's get into her head.  Is she happy that Peeta is still alive? Is she worried about the careers? Is she wondering about her sister? Right now, I'm feeling for her about 96%; having her open up in a bite will have me up to 100%. 

Can we vary up the music here some? Dub-step is testing well with our younger audiences -- find a place to put some in.

TRACKER JACKER SECTION

When Katniss sees Peeta allied with the Career Tributes, this is really jarring. She's disappointed in him but so are we.  Let's get a bite from him where he lets us know that he's really on Katniss' side but planning on possibly double-crossing the careers. That will add some depth to his character and let us know that he's a good guy. If he doesn't tell us he's a good person, how do we know that that's true?

Great bite from Cesar explaining what a Tracker Jacker is.  This is a great example of the bites we should be having throughout the whole episode. 

Katniss' scene work with Rue is nice, but it again would benefit from a bite pass. Why are they aligned together? How will this benefit them in the competition?  And when Rue gets eliminated, these bites will really help the audience feel for her passing. If we aren't telling the audience how to feel at all times then we are not doing our jobs.

Please make sure all the District 11 rioters have signed a release. 

IN THE CAVE

Katniss & Peeta kissing is great and all, but the music under it is not matching the scene! Let's go for the romance full throttle here.  Strings, etc.  Maybe throw in some candle effects? If we can't go full "Bachelor" on this scene, let's do at least an "Average Joe."

FIGHT WITH CATO

Cato does work well as a bad guy but he needs more set up. Let's add some flashbacks of Cato killing some of the other tributes to this fight to really show how strong a competitor he is.  When he gets eliminated, let's add a few final bites to underline how his killer instinct got the best of him. The audience can only appreciate irony if we spell it out for them.

Thanks again. Please have these done with notes responses by 11am tomorrow. Thanks!

If STAR WARS Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for STAR WARS. If you are concerned about being spoiled about one of the most popular movies ever made that's been out for 38 years, please get a hobby.

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STAR WARS 104 "A NEW HOPE" FINE CUT 1 NOTES

Hello! Thanks to you and your team for addressing the last round of notes.  As you well know, we here at the network are big fans for Episodes 1-3. They really have the characterization, in-scene sound ups and humor we feel are best for the show.  With that being said, we have to say that 104 is by far our least favorite episode thus far.  Tonally it is so different from the first three we cannot give time coded notes right now.  There are too many general notes that need to be addressed first.  We really need to recapture the flow and tone of the previous episodes; otherwise, our research shows that our viewers will be too confused and wonder what show they are watching.  (A bite pass would work wonders.) Our general notes are below.  Please look them over and let us know what you think!

TITLE

The episode title right now is "A New Hope."  Are we married to that?  Keep in mind that more and more of our viewers are reading the episode descriptions either through their DVR or online.  We NEED a very catchy title to grab the viewers' interest, and right now "A New Hope" is just too vague.  (What does that mean exactly?) How about something like "Luke Rescues Princess Leia"? Or a play on words like "Death Star Becomes Her" or "Kenobi Or Not To Be"? (These are just suggestions; please come up with alternatives)

OPENING/DARTH VADER CAPTURES PRINCESS LEIA

The use of the opening title card really helps to establish the stakes and backstory that we desperately need.  That being said, do we have to go from the title card immediately to the attack on the blockade runner? Let's put in a opening montage first to set the scene; I would love to know which star quadrant they are in. 

I can really feel the tension when Darth Vader is looking around for the rebel plans, but I do feel this could be fleshed out a bit more.  Let's put in a bite from him along the lines of "I really need to get these rebel plans for my boss, Grand Moff Tarkin. It's very important to me and the Emperor that nothing interfere with the construction of the Death Star, which is now the most powerful weapon in the galaxy."  (In his own words, of course.  And avoid using frankenbites.)

The first time we see Princess Leia, she's putting something into the R2D2 robot.  This is a great opportunity to do an intro package with her; who she is, how long has she been serving in the Imperial Senate, and what exactly IS she putting into the droid?  I really like how feisty she is with Darth Vader.  Any bites from the stormtrooper about her sassiness? (Just curious)

C3P0 & R2D2 ARRIVE ON TATOOINE

Please add subtitles to all of the scenes with the droids and the Jawas.  Right now, I have no idea what the Jawas are saying.  In order to make sure every scene has TENSION AND STAKES, it is imperative to know what each person (or alien) is saying at all times.  Also, S&P wants to make sure that there aren't any Jawanese swear words being said.  If so, we'll need to bleep them.  

Luke has a great introduction but he's so whiney! Are there any other takes we can use?  Or maybe a funny bite from Uncle Owen about how childish Luke can be? Please review your interviews.  (Maybe a pick up?)

The introduction of Obi-Wan Kenobi works pretty well, but it could easily be upgraded with a flashback of his best moments from the three previous episodes.  Our audience could really use the reminder of who he is! Also, when Obi-Wan explains the Force to Luke, let's add a bite where he explains what the Force is and how it works.  (I really want to get #midichlorians trending, don't you?")

I know some time has elapsed from Episode 103 to 104, but are there any unused scenes with Jar Jar Binks that we can add?  He is a favorite over here at the network and his type of comedy would be a really great addition.  Let us know. 

MOS EISLEY

Please make sure that all creatures in the Cantina have signed a release.  

When the bartender tells C3PO that he doesn't serve their kind, that's a great opportunity to get a bite from him about how that feels.  Has he experienced such open droidaphobia before? (Side note: would he be available to do a PSA promo for us for Pride Month?)

We know that this has been a bone of contention for the past previous cuts, but we are going to have to insist that in the confrontation between Han Solo and Greedo that Han MUST NOT shoot first.  Otherwise, the audience will completely turn against him! While we understand your arguments for the alternative, we are putting our foot down about this.  Sorry. Also, if you can add a regretful bite from Han about shooting Greedo, we would really appreciate it. 

Side Note: Is it Chewie or Chuy? Please advise. The latter would really help us with our diversity goals for the year. 

GETTING PRINCESS LEIA OFF OF THE DEATH STAR

The plan to get Princess Leia out of cell block AA23 really could use a bite to further explain it. Maybe a fun graphic as well to help get the point across?  Give it a shot. Remember, guys, as storytellers, we need to tell the audience what exactly is going on at all times.  Otherwise, we are not doing our jobs.  

Please add an earlier pick up scene where Darth Vader explains the height requirements for soldiers on the Death Star.  Otherwise Leia's line "Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?" doesn't have context. 

We've been using a lot of orchestral music cues for a while. Let's try switching it up here. Maybe hip hop? Or a Taylor Swift sound-alike? Check your music libraries and let us know if there's a problem.  

ASSAULT OF THE DEATH STAR

When Han Solo leaves the rebels on Yavin, let's put in a bite from Princess Leia where she says while he's gotten on her nerves, she's really going to miss him and hopes he comes back.  This will help set up Han returning at the last second to shoot Darth Vader's ship.  Without this bite, Han's return isn't set up at all and comes out of nowhere.  Attention to detail is key.  We can't be sloppy.   

The actual attack on the Death Star while it's approaching the rebel base is really well done. Kudos to your editing and producing team on this one.  However, when Luke is flying through the trench to the exhaust port and hears Obi-Wan tell him to use the Force, we really need to add a bite where Luke saying how important is it for them to destroy the Death Star.  By hammering this home, the viewers will really be invested in what's going on!

The ceremony at the end is wonderful but it's just aching for a bite from someone to say how happy they are that they have defeated the Empire. If we don't hear them say it, how do we know it's true? We have to wrap this story up with a nice bow; right now, it's a bit messy.  Also, can we use a lyric track for the end? There isn't any dialogue right now so a great cue with some uplifting lyrics would really help sell it.  

Thanks for addressing this is a prompt manner.  Please let us know if you have any questions.