If THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for the one of the popular stop-motion animation films of all-time. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please go back to Christmastown and lay down for a long winter's nap.  

THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS RC3 NETWORK NOTES - 3pm EST

Hello! We appreciate all of your hard work on getting the last cut back to us in an almost-timely manner.  The show is slowly taking shape, but we still have a lot of work ahead of us. The big problem we have right now is focus.  We visit Halloweentown and Christmastown and yet we barely know either place! How are they connected? What are the political structures? Can our viewers go visit for some fun shopping? If Jack is the Pumpkin King of Halloweentown, why is there a Mayor? (Is there an order of succession?) There a lot of questions we have and in reality TV, we leave people in suspense, not with questions! A bite pass is absolutely necessary.  Once this happens, we can send time coded notes.  But not until then. 

"THIS IS HALLOWEEN"

Halloweentown is kinda cool, in a Hot Topic sort of way.  Are there any other shots of the town with more color? This is the start of the show and we need to grab the audience right from the first frame! Comb through your footage and find some drone b-roll overhead of the town during the day so the audience will fall in love with it right away. The lyric track is working pretty well, so let's go for a win with some great juicy b-roll! (Make sure it's free; we aren't paying for it.)

We are seeing A LOT of monsters as we go through the town and I can't tell them apart! Let's extend the VO to explain who these creatures are and why we should care about them.  We need to spell things out for the audience as much as possible. That's storytelling!

It takes almost 4 1/2 minutes for Jack to be introduced? NO no no NO.  As he's being carted in, let's do a big intro package from him like "Hi, I'm Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King of Halloweentown. I'm in charge of making sure that the big scary holiday known as 'Halloween' is s scary as possible." (Please get this verbatim) While it can be inferred from the sound-ups of the townspeople that Jack does all this, we can't assume that the audience will pick up on that. That's for scripted. This is reality!

Per legal, please add a disclaimer that no one should set themselves on fire and dive into a dirty well to become Jack Skellington.  

We just introduce Sally by her lurking in the background and then she loses an arm to get away from her abusive boyfriend. That would be great stuff... if there was a bite to go along with it! Ugh, you guys, come on. Whoever edited this should be fired and replaced. (Get someone cheaper.) Yes, it seems like Sally doesn't like her boyfriend but if she doesn't tell me in a bite that this guy is bad news, then how am I to know? HOW AM I TO KNOW? Please get her saying something like "My name is Sally.  Evil Scientist made in his lab as his companion but I'd rather be out in the world and meet Jack Skellington!" (Make sure you get this in her own words) 

"JACK'S LAMENT"

Jack is going on and on about how he feels stuck and wants to try something else. It's beautiful and gorgeously shot.  Since we're long, let's condense this to a bite and make it a podbuster. 

On a side note, we've been in Halloweentown for over 10 minutes and we haven't learned a single Halloween decorating tip! People, if we are doing holidays here then we have to give the audience some take-away information! Comb through your footage and see if you can add something new. Does Jack teach a vampire how to make a great tasty punch for a Halloween party? Does Sally show the Evil Scientist how to make ghost decorations using tissue paper, a marker and some fishing line? Let's set ourselves up for success here! We can't let Food Network corner the market on all of this.

"WHAT'S THIS?"

Jack is obviously intrigued by the door to Christmas Town. But I don't know why! Bites, bites, bites! Get a bite from him along the lines of "Wow, this door is very pretty. I've never seen colors like this before.  I wonder where this goes." The more we explicate, the more the audience stays put!

Add a lower third that says "Christmas Town" when Jack arrives there. We can't risk any confusion. 

Christmas Town is quaint and cute; it reminds me of what I imagine the Midwest looks like! Jack's enthusiasm is infectious, but after a couple minutes of him saying "What's this", we better get to an explanation pretty quickly.  We can leave the audience in suspense over a commercial break, just not in a scene. 

Per legal, please add a disclaimer saying we do not advocate drugging someone's food to escape capture, even if you're being help captive by an Evil Scientist. After that Gordon Ramsay debacle, we can't afford another lawsuit.

JACK RETURNS

Do a chyron pass on the monsters in the town meeting. I'm having trouble telling all the ghouls apart. 

Jack is being very obvious explaining the different Christmas items to the Halloween townspeople. He's over-explaining, actually.  This is great.  No notes on this.

Per legal, please add a disclaimer that people should not jump out of a five-story tower to escape an evil scientist, even if they are made of straw and leaves. This isn't American Ninja Warrior.

JACK'S OBSESSION

Let's get a big intro package for Lock, Shock and Barrel. Let's get into their backstory and put in some snazzy b-roll.  As our resident villains, they should be totally eye-catching.  Like Kenya from Real Housewives of Atlanta, but not as scary. 

The montage of the townsfolk making their Christmas presents is decently cut but it needs another pass.  First, let's change up the music.  It's been minor key orchestral for so long. How about a different lyric track? A "Despacito" sound-alike would work wonders here. Let's discuss.  Also, after each present is made, add a cymbal scrape.  That way the audience will know to look up from their phones and pay attention!

SANDY CLAWS GETS KIDNAPPED

Once we arrive in Christmas Town, let's again add a "Christmas Town" lower third. Then, once we get into Santa's house, add a "Santa Claus - Jolly Old Elf" chyron.  Don't assume that all of our viewers know who he is. What if they just switched over to the show at this point? How will they know what the story is? We can't let people get lost now!

Per legal, please add a disclaimer saying that no one should kidnap the patron saint of the biggest holiday of the year. (The only one who's qualified for that is Wall Street)

When Santa falls into Oogie Boogie's lair, let's give Oogie a big intro package. He's the Big Bad in here. Think of Camilla from The Challenge or Omarosa from The Apprentice, just not as scary. 

JACK TRIES TO DO CHRISTMAS

As Jack is dropping off presents, let's pepper in some bites from Jack about how happy he is to be finally fulfilling his dream of doing something different. We set it up song before; we have to follow through in bite now.  That's Storytelling 101!

Once Jack saves Santa Claus from Oogie Boogie, add a bite from Santa Claus about how relieved he is to be saved from certain death. (And if he can work in a mention to Target too, that would help with our production integration requirements for the quarter. Make it natural!)

Please turn around the cut with notes responses by 5pm EST. Thanks a bunch!

If THE SOUND OF MUSIC Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most beloved musicals of all-time.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please climb every mountain you can to avoid one of the highest grossing films ever. 

THE SOUND OF MUSIC FINE CUT 4 NETWORK NOTES

Hello hello hello. Thanks for addressing our previous set of notes.  As per our conference call, we still have a long way to go before we have the show ready for air.  The biggest problem we have right now is focus.  What works for us at our network are sweet relatable shows about families with a lot of children.  But we've never had one where all the kids can sing together! What a hook! We need to focus on that and dump all of the nun stuff. (All of the stuff at the beginning with Maria at the convent really feel like a different show. Maybe cut and repurpose it for something else? The Real House Nuns of Salzburg does have a great ring to it. Or maybe SuperNunny? Let's discuss) Here we have seven adorable, camera-friendly children who can sing harmony without scaring off advertisers.  It's like 19 Kids and Counting without the David Koresh cult vibe.  There's gold to be had here; all we have to do is mine for it!

Also the storytelling is just not strong enough.  Whoever edited this should consider a career in hotel/motel management. Story is key! We are severely lacking in bites and b-roll transitions; a chyron pass is absolutely needed. (Can you tell the difference between Gretl and Marta on sight? Yeah, me neither.) You guys are making a lot of assumptions about what our audience knows. We need to make sure that this is as streamlined and easy-to-consume as possible. The less taxing the show is for the audience, the higher our ratings!  Once these are addressed, we can send time coded notes.  Won't happen until then. 

PS. Are we married to this title? It's too generic.  Let's go with "Von Trapped." It's fun and based on the focus group we did in suburban Annapolis, it'll go over very well.

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE

While we all appreciate all of the drone footage of the Austrian mountainside, we have a whole scene with Maria and no one else. What does this have to do with 7 brothers and singers who can harmonize? Every scene has to have TENSION AND STAKES AT ALL TIMES. What are the stakes of a woman with poor fashion sense twirling around in the grass? Guys, if we aren't aiming high in every scene, then the audience will lose interest and go back to YouTube. We need a stronger start; keep the b-roll, cut to Maria's arrival at the Von Trapp household with an intro bite like "My name is Maria. I'm a nun here in Salzburg, Austria and I've come to be the new governess for Captain Von Trapp and his children. I'm nervous that I won't do a good job. Hopefully I won't be fired." (Please get this verbatim)

THE CONVENT

For proper context, we really need a strong bite that sets up World War II.  You can't assume that the audience will know what that is.  

As previously mentioned, this whole section can be removed.  We have 6 nuns we've never met (without a lower third on any of them) talking about a woman who all we saw doing was just spinning on a mountain.  "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" Make it a snap-in. 

MARIA ARRIVES AT THE VON TRAPP HOUSEHOLD

When the Captain catches Maria dancing in the closed-down ballroom, she seems startled and then walks out. I say "seems startled" because there isn't a bite there telling me how she feels! Guys, this is just so sloppy.  Come on. Let's get a bite in there about how she felt about being caught, a bite from her beforehand to explain why she would go into the closed ballroom to begin with, an intro bite from the Captain so we know who he is, and a bite from Maria saying how intimidating the Captain is.  And make sure this all flows and doesn't seem too bite-heavy. 

The Captain says that Maria is the 12th governess they've had.  Do we have footage of the other governesses? A montage of the former governesses trying to deal with the children could be fun and unusual way for us to meet the kids and set up the stakes. Let's think outside of the box, people!

When the Captain makes the children introduce themselves, this is a fantastic opportunity for a big juicy intro package. As each child steps forward, throw in some bio bites for each one so the audience can easily differentiate one from the other.  The faster the audience can do this, the faster we can start having great hashtags all over social media.  There are a lot of shows with litters of kids; we need to do what we can to stand out! Let's set their characters like this:

LIESL - The Flirt

FRIEDRICH - The Know-It-All

LOUISA - The Sarcastic One

KURT - The Goody Two-Shoes

BRIGITTA - The Bookworm

MARTA - The Cute One

GRETL - The Sweet One

Make sure that all bites and sound-ups from the kids reflect these singular character traits AT ALL TIMES. If we show some different personality quirks, the audience will easily be confused. We only have 42 minutes to convey each story; let's make every second count!

When Maria says that she's never been a governess before, let's get a couple of bites in from the kids saying how they can't wait to try to test their new governess.  That way we know that they are fun and mischievous (in a relatable, family-friendly way, of course). As Maria produces the frog from her pocket, add in a cymbal scrape then a wood block.  That way the audience will know that this is funny! 

THE GAZEBO

We have a nice scene between Liesl and Rolf with the dancing and the kissing, but since I don't have any context for it, I'm just so confused! It's really obvious, guys. Let's get a fun flirty bite from Liesl about how much she likes Rolf, how long they've known each other and why she likes him so. Oh, and let's make sure we do a proper background check on everyone Liesl may date.  Otherwise it's Josh Dugger all over again.

THE RAINSTORM

As Maria is singing about her favorite things, let's do a montage of images to go along with what she says.  We can't assume that the audience knows what she's talking about. Just because we know what brown paper packages tied up with strings are, the audience may not.  The more we spell things out, the stronger our storytelling is!

THE VON TRAPPS GO AROUND SALZBURG

As the kids are learning how to sing, let's get bites from all of them as the scene progresses.  Are some of them nervous before they start singing? Are they worried about what their father will think? We need some stakes and conflict there. Do Re Mi doesn't really denote tension.  Let's maximize our footage the best way possible!

THE CAPTAIN RETURNS WITH MAX AND THE BARONESS

Again, again, again: BITES BITES BITES! We need bites to establish both Max and the Baroness.  Does she look forward to marrying the Captain?  Is the Captain looking forward to spending more time with Baroness? Why does Max need to find another music group to manage? These are obvious questions and you guys totally dropped the ball here. Get these bites in here pronto and this dull driving scene will sing!

Speaking of singing, the first time we hear the kids sing is when they are way, WAY off camera as the Captain is arguing with Maria.  How is this good producing? Again, this is the problem we're having. Currently, the focus is on Maria; it needs to be on the children! Let's start with the kids singing for the Baroness ON CAMERA.  And that's where the focus needs to be! Get some bites from the Baroness about the singing kids, from the Captain about why he's so touched by the kids singing and how he's sorry for his behavior towards Maria. Our rule of thumb is: when it doubt, Bite it out!

THE LONELY GOAT HERD

Is there another take without the creepy puppets? If not, we may need to issue a trigger warning. 

MARIA RETURNS TO THE ABBEY

Wait, why is Maria going to the convent? Oh right, she used to live there. I completely forgot! Let's throw in a flashback of her living there so we can set this up right. We don't want the audience to be confused!

Per legal, make sure the Mother Superior says "What is it you [BLEEP] face?"

THE WEDDING

Maria's and the Captain's wedding is beautiful and lush, but I can't help but think about those fun kids.  Are there any unused scenes where the kids make mischief all over the house? Any funny turns of phrase from Gretl or Marta?  Any scenes with the boys goofing around?  Let's comb through our footage and construct some extra scenes where the kids are front and center.  Our audience wants to see a large gaggle of children wreaking adorable chaos. Let's give them what they want!

THE SINGING CONTEST

Are there any other takes of the concert without the Third Reich? Despite what our former market research told us, recent polling shows that our audience is actually turned off by Nazi groups. (We were surprised too).  Let's recut the contest, show the Von Trapp's winning and then end on a big bite from the kids about their nascent musical careers.  Cut out the escape into Switzerland and the family fighting for their lives; it's just too depressing and it's completely off-brand for our network.  That may work on A&E, but not here!

Please finish these notes and send the cut with notes responses by 4:30pm EST today.  Thanks a bunch!

If LA LA LAND Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for the most popular movie musical to come out in the past few years.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please stop now and take a trip to your local planetarium where you could possibly see some 20-somethings float by while dancing. 

LA LA LAND Fine Cut 3 Notes

Hello! First of all, big thanks to you and your team for turning around our notes so quickly.  I feel like we are getting close to where we should be but we are definitely not there yet.  There are a lot of great things going on here but we really need to focus on clarity, precision and high-end storytelling. Right now, we feel the cut is lacking all of these things.  Also, we should really think about audience takeaway.  We need to show a Los Angeles that people want to see!  With the current spate of OJ-themed Los Angeles shows, we need to focus on the lighter side of LA.  Is there a musical number about delicious taco trucks?  A pas de deux about family-friendly museums?  A rousing chorus about the upside of being on a lot of auditions?  Please comb through your footage.  We need to think outside the box here and come up with a show that the whole family can enjoy while they are on their phones.  Also, we desperately need a bite pass.  We need to set up both Sebastian and Mia strongly at the top so the audience will want them to succeed.  Also, the end really needs a complete restructure.  Once this all happens, then we can send time coded notes.  Please read our notes below.  If you have any questions, please reread our notes and think about them.

"ANOTHER DAY OF SUN"

The opening number on the freeway does a great job at setting the tone. And Kudos for the lower third saying "Winter" - that's a first step to let the audience know when we are. But we need to also establish where we are.  Let's add another lower third that says "Los Angeles"; sure this is something that the audience could infer but let's not leave anything to chance here.  If one person is confused then it's one viewer we could lose.  

The opening is a little confusing as we introduce a lot of people and we don't know who they are.  Is the first soloist an aspiring actress? Model? Actress/model?  Is the second soloist a wannabe musician? I AM SO CONFUSED. How am I supposed to care about any of these people if it isn't spelled out exactly who everyone is at every moment? Let's recut this with an aggressive lower third pass.  Even a GFX of "Candance - 34 - Austin, Tx - Aspiring Hand Model" would do wonders.  

Please have an associate producer research how often Los Angeles has musical number-related traffic jams.  This could be a great bit of audience takeaway information!

When we do see Seb and Mia, they are just random people caught up in traffic.  We are missing great opportunities for intro packages.  With Seb, have him say "Hi, I'm Seb. I'm 32 years old, and I'm a jazz musician and enthusiast.  Jazz means everything to me and I'll explain it to anyone!"  (Please get this exactly)  Please get a similar intro bite from Mia after she runs lines in her car.  First it looks like she's on her phone and then we put together she's actually running lines for an audition. That's crazy! Let's clarify this with a bite.  "Hi, I'm Mia.  I'm an aspiring actress and I work as a barista in order to pay the bills. I love classic movies and was inspired by my aunt who lived in Paris." Otherwise, it's snoozeville. 

"SOMEONE IN THE CROWD"

Whoa, what's happening? We cut right into Mia's audition without a set up or anything.  Slow down, guys! Let's start with an establishing shot of the office with a lower third saying "Casting", with a bite from Mia explaining why this audition is important to her.  Remember, if we aren't connecting the dots for the audience at all times, then we are NOT doing our jobs.  It's storytelling!

Can we get an intro package with Mia's roommates? They seem really fun and vaguely multi-cultural.  

We do a swift montage and then Mia & her friends are suddenly at this big Hollywood party.  Let's see more of that! The drudgery of Mia's acting career is such a downer; the glamour of fancy parties is way for interesting.  Less moping, more Vivienne Westwood.

SEB

Whoa, I'm confused! We're back at the freeway? Oh, wait, we're now following Sebastian's story? Was he stuck on the freeway for days? Let's recut this to make it more linear.  

Is the scene with Seb and his sister really necessary?  We could cut the scene and establish Seb's backstory about his closed-down jazz club with a bite.  Just cut to the restaurant where he's playing.  Let's streamline wherever we can.

While it may be obvious to us that Mia really liked Seb's music, we can't assume that the audience knows this.  Yet again, we need another bite (I hate typing this, guys!). Have Mia say "Wow, hearing that music from Seb just transports me. It's amazing!". (Please get the verbatim and in present tense).  When he brushes past her, let's get another bite from her as well.  Remember my golden rule: "When in doubt, add a bite!"

SPRING PARTY

Finally, more Hollywood Glamour! Let's really make a juicy package out of this. Add more shots of girls in bikinis, fancy cars, great alcohol (Patron is a sponsor, so per the product integration agreement, we need at least 3 close-ups) and some fun music! (Don't make it cutty).  

Are there any takes where the cover band does any 80's soundalikes from our music library? Our music costs are breaking the bank right now so any chances we can save some money would be great.  

The Prius product integration is great.  No notes on that.  

SEB LOVES JAZZ

Seb does a great job explaining jazz to Mia. He makes it so accessible to Mia and also to our target demographic.  We were brainstorming here at the network and we think this could be a possible spinoff.  "Seb Explains Jazz!" "Seb Explains The Blues". Is he knowledgable about trap music?  Let's explore every option here.  

"CITY OF STARS"

Why is Seb singing on the Hermosa Pier? There are no bites for context here.  Let's make it a podbuster. 

GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY

Per legal, please add a disclaimer saying that only professionals should float dance at planetariums. Otherwise, we're just begging for a lawsuit. 

We have a great montage of Seb and Mia dancing around Los Angeles. Here's a great opportunity to let the audience know which areas of the Southland are more prone to spontaneous dance numbers.  That way they can plan their trips accordingly.  Please research and add this information in with fun, concise lower thirds.  

CITY OF STARS - DUET

Again, no bites for context.  Make it web content. 

MIA'S ONE WOMAN SHOW

So much emphasis is placed Mia writing and performing her one woman show and we never see it! Slapdash and weak, guys.  We either need to see it or we don't mention it.  Mia seems unhappy with the reception but if there aren't any bites telling me this, how am I supposed to know? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? Do a thorough bite pass here.  Now.  Also if she is really ready to give up on her career, we need to hear why.  Man, guys, I'm really disappointed.

"AUDITION (THE FOOLSWHO DREAM)"

I do love her monologue about her aunt at the audition.  However, we do need a bit more context as well. An anticipatory bite right before it would work wonders.  Also, do we have any footage of her aunt jumping into the Seine? That would really help the audience follow the story.  

EPILOGUE

I feel like my talk is falling on deaf ears here but we need to revisit the end. This weird fantasy sequence about how Mia's and Seb's life could have gone is just confusing and weird. No bites? No sound ups? Are there audio problems? Let's shoot a pick up scene with Seb and Mia where they talk about Mia's movie success and Seb opening his club. That way we get a clean happy ending and that's what the audience is craving.  Also, we can plug Seb's club, as per our product integration agreement.  It's a Win-Win-Win!

Please address these notes today by 5pm, complete with notes responses.  Thanks a bunch!

If THE MUPPET MOVIE Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

THE MUPPET MOVIE Network Rough Cut 2 Notes Pass

Hello! Thanks for addressing our notes on the earlier cut. Progress has definitely been made but we are still a long way's off from getting this right.  Unfortunately, clarity is still a really big issue.  Many scenes are pretty chaotic and therefore not funny.  Remember: scenes are only funny when we carefully explain everything to the audience.  Also, the characters' motivations are rather murky.  Why is Kermit going to Hollywood?  Why would Fozzie join him?  What is Janice doing? A very strong and deliberate bite pass is in order; let's get into the head of every frog, pig, drummer, human and 70's comedy star we have.  Once this bite pass happens, then we can give you some time coded notes.  Please see below.

OPENING

The start of the film has two older people saying arriving at a movie studio saying they are going to see THE MUPPET MOVIE? This self-referential stuff is rather confusing.  Do we have any intro bites with Statler and Waldorf?  Why are they going to a screening of a movie if they don't seem too happy about it?If we are setting them up to be a Wendy Pepper/Johnny Bananas/Richard Hatch-type of villain, that's fine. If not, then they are already coming across as unlikable.  In reality, characters are either big villains or extremely likable; they can't be anywhere in the middle.  (Except on competition shows that get nominated for Emmys) 

THE SWAMP

We start with Kermit singing but the video is just a big wide shot of the swamp.  How do we know if it's Kermit singing unless we actually see him?  Let's recut this to show b-roll of the swamp, then a shot of Kermit singing on the log.  Man, Kermit is singing and singing and we don't have a SINGLE bite from him. No no no.  Let's build an intro package with a bite like "Hi, I'm Kermit the Frog. I live in a big swamp and I love playing the banjo!" (Doesn't have to be exact)

Let's get some more information about the swamp. Where is it? What it's like? Is there a pawn shop full of colorful-yet-completely non-threatening people? Dig through your footage and let us know.  

When the agent gives his card to Kermit, we really need to hear a bite from Kermit about how his offer about the audition at World Wide Studios is quite enticing. Sure, we can get the idea of this based on Kermit's sound ups and reactions, but we really need to sell this. If it's not completely obvious to us, it won't be to our viewers!

By the way, do we ever hear the answer about why there ARE so many songs about rainbows? If we don't, let's cut it; too confusing.

KERMIT ON THE BICYCLE

Any bites from Kermit when he sees the Doc Hopper Frog Legs signs?  If he's not happy about it, we definitely need to hear about it. Since Doc is the villain, he needs a much stronger, more pungent set up.  A big montage of him frying frog's legs? Bites from him about how much he doesn't like frogs?  Bites from Kermit about Doc's reputation?  Let's mine the interviews and b-roll and think outside the box here, guys.    

Good Schwinn bicycle product integration. 

EL SLEAZO CAFE

Fozzie Bear needs a better introduction. He comes out with a bunch of props; is Carrot Top a big influence? Let's do a big intro of him, his love of comedy, etc.  Let's discuss!

When Doc Hopper plays his fast food frog leg commercial for our hero, Kermit is completely revolted. What's his motivation? It's either the fact that he doesn't like the idea of him shilling a restaurant that would be genocide for his people or that he wants to focus on going to Hollywood.  Now, in scripted, characters can have multiple motivations. In reality, however, a character has ONE motivation per episode and that's it.  Any more confuses us and the audience.  Let's pick one and be consistent.  

MEETING GONZO

The car accident that brings Gonzo and Kermit together lacks the proper impact because we don't know who Gonzo is. Let's do a full intro package with him; where he's from, how long he and Camilla The Chicken have been together, how long he's been a plumbing artiste, etc.  Also, is there another take where they meet? Right now it just seems a little too convenient that they run into each other and they all want to be movie stars.  Let's flesh the scene out first with some header, some fluff and then go into the story stuff. Right now, the scene is just rather fakey and unfunny. 

MEETING MISS PIGGY

Miss Piggy is really popping on camera. She has a definite Nene Leaks appeal, so let's set her up for success.  Give her a big intro package with as much sassy bites as possible.  Is she on Twitter?  I bet she's hilarious.  

Piggy's intro scene is a beauty pageant; any fun backstage moments? OTF's with the other contestants? Let's see what other people have to say about our porcine powerhouse. 

KERMIT & PIGGY'S DATE

Why are they out on a date again? Let's restate the intent of this scene right from the top.  Why is Piggy on this date? And then she leaves; what does Kermit think about this? Let's get his feelings out on the table with a good choice bite.  Otherwise, we're left to just observing Kermit looking sad and depressed and that's just not enough.  

Any good bites from Steve Martin the waiter? He has some great comedic potential.  

Let's add an earlier pick up scene where Piggy practices martial arts; otherwise her use of karate to save Kermit from his kidnappers comes out of the blue and is therefore not funny.  Humor comes from very predictable behavior, NOT from random chaotic moments.  

THE DESERT

Everyone is stranded in the desert and I've completely forgotten what's going on.  Let's restate Kermit's why for his trek. Sure, he talks to himself and says everything in scene, but a great bite from him would work wonders.  

Any fun tidbits about the ghost town Kermit ends up in? How about some backstory from Dr. Bunsen Honeydew?  More context here would really help.   When Floyd asks about the Insta-Grow pills, Beaker says "Mee mee MEE mee mee."  Does he have a take where he says "Mee mee mee MEE MEE?" Please double check your footage.  

WORLD WIDE STUDIOS

When Lou's secretary has an allergy attack from all of the animal dander, this could be a great opportunity for a Claritin product integration. Let's look into that.  

Any bites on what a Standard Rich & Famous Contract is?  Clarity here would be very helpful.  

Please finish these tonight with notes responses. Thanks!  

If THE BLUES BROTHERS Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot elements for one of the beloved comedies of all time.  If you really don't want to be spoiled, please go elsewhere. 

THE BLUES BROTHERS ROUGH CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for addressing the previous round of notes so quickly.  We really appreciate it.  The show is coming along but we are still far off from where we need to be.  We feel the brothers Blues' antics can be toned down to be more network friendly.  We want PG "Jackass", not rated R "Jackass."  Also, we need more clarification all around.  Bites, bites, bites!  Once a comprehensive bites pass is done, we'll give time-coded notes.  Maybe another comedy pass? Let's discuss.

OPENING

Jake does a very long exit from prison. He doesn't say anything! Let's use this section to do a strong intro package. Let's kick off with a bite like "Hi! I'm Jake. I'm a musician and I'm finally getting out of prison after holding up a gas station to pay the salaries of the guys in my band.  I can't wait to meet up with my brother Elwood who is also in the band with me and we like to dress alike." (Please get this bite exactly). If we don't hear from him within the first ten seconds of the show, how are supposed to form an opinion about him? Just by observing his behavior? Too confusing. Please upgrade. 

RUNNING THE NEW BLUES MOBILE OVER THE BRIDGE

Jake and his brother don't seem terribly happy to see each other.  Are they more taciturn in nature? If so, let's add a bite from Elwood along the lines of "I'm Elwood, and I'm so glad that my brother is out of prison.  We don't really show a ton of affection in our family, so we do a lot of banter in order to prove our love."  If Elwood doesn't say this, how will we know he's happy to see his brother? I can't tell!

Elwood giving the stats on the new Blues Mobile is great in a "Top Gear" sort of way (maybe a spinoff?). And how they zoomed over the rising bridge is impressive.  It's a good example of the family-friendly stunts we should be going for here.  Per legal, please add a disclaimer at the beginning of the show saying that kids should not do this at home.  

Is there another take where Jake isn't smoking? I hope there aren't more cigarettes in this episode

VISITING THE PENGUIN

Who is this Penguin they keep referring to? Why are they there? Did they used to be orphans? We're going into a scene without knowing every possible bit of information there is to know and I am nervous! Again, we need another set up bite. If there's a chance for surprise, there's a chance our audience will change the channel. 

Oh, the person the Blues Brothers is meeting is not an actual Penguin.  Please do a clarity pass on this scene.  I got confused. 

In the "shit's creek" discussion, please bleep the following:

*Shit

*Shit

*Christ

*Shit

*Fuck

*Jesus

*Bitch

*Jesus

*Christ

*Fuck

*Shit

CHURCH SCENE

Wait, why is Jake and Elwood in a bad mood at the church? Oh right, in the previous two scenes Jake and Elwood found out that the only home they've ever known is going to be sold.  I completely forgot about it! Please start the scene with a flashback reminding us of this.  We need to restate the stakes in every scene; it's called 'Storytelling!'

Have all of the dancing, singing church-goers signed a release? Please double check.

Jake's religious epiphany is great and all: the glow around him, the backflips, the sunbeam coming through the window. But we need to really hammer this home with a bite from Jake. Why did he change his mind? Why is getting the band back together a good idea? Why does he like to dance like that? Please look over your interviews. 

FLEEING THE POLICE STOP

Is there another take where Elwood doesn't speed away from the police when they pull him over?  Legal is worried that we could inspire copycat incidents.  Ever since Teresa Guidice flipped a table, they've been extra jumpy.  Please check your footage and get back to us. 

Is there a bite from Elwood where he explains why his license was suspended? That would be helpful. 

Please add a chyron saying that the producers do not recommend driving through the mall, especially when the police are following you. 

Blur the JC Penny's logo when the Blues Mobile bursts forth from their display window.  

Please add a bite to explain the woman using the rocket launcher against the Blues Brothers. Right now this comes out of nowhere, cutting against the comedy.  Explaining why she's there in every detail will give the audience context and therefore will be absolutely hilarious! (Maybe add a record scratch? Think it over)

CHEZ PAUL

When Jake asks the man at the next table "How much for the little girl? How much for your women?", can we add a bite from Jake saying that he's making a joke? Otherwise it seems like he's into human trafficking and S&P won't clear that. 

NAZI RALLY

Add a pick up scene early on where Elwood says he's not a fan of Adolph Hitler. Otherwise his comment of "I hate Illinois Nazis" comes out of nowhere.

GIG AT THE PALACE HOTEL

When Jake and Elwood are stranded at the gas station, can we add a bite from them about how stressed out they are about possibly missing the gig? While we are getting that from their in-scene sound-ups and from cutting back to the band anxiously waiting at the ballroom, we really need to hear it from them too.  Remember: stakes, stakes, stakes!  If we don't keep hitting this point over and over, the audience won't know it's important!

Good Orange Whip product integration.  

When the Blues Brothers finally make it to the stage, please add a big cymbal scrape and big sweeping cue.  This is the most important moment of the episode so far and let's treat it like such! If it's important to us, it's important to the audience!

CAR CHASE INTO THE CITY

Why are they speeding so much into the city? Oh, right, they're getting the $5000 to the tax assessor's office to make sure the orphanage isn't closed down.  I completely forgot. We really need to add a flashback here to remind the audience.  Maybe two more flashbacks should be added to previous scenes? This isn't scripted; we can't assume the audience will remember plot points from one scene to the next!

We need to think of the audience takeaway during the whole episode.  During the car chase, let's add some factoids into the lower thirds about how fast a Winnebago can go, the air velocity of a car full of Nazi's going of of an overpass, etc.  This will give the audience bits of information that they can use to impress their friends at dinner parties.

END

Once Jake and Elwood are in prison, we just see them play a song for the inmates.  Are they happy they saved the orphanage? Are they glad they got the band back together? Please do a big bite pass on this scene. If they don't tell me all these things, how am I supposed to know? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

Please finish these notes by 4pm today.  Looking forward to your responses!

If BEAUTY AND THE BEAST Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for Disney's BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. If your nose is going to get bent out of shape regarding spoilers from a movie that came out in 1991, please up your dosage. 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST RC2 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for addressing the notes from Rough Cut I. We do appreciate your team turning those notes around so quickly.  Unfortunately, as it now sits, we feel we do have a long way to go in before we can really truly lock this episode. Timecoded notes will have to wait; we are in emergency mode.  Right now, Belle is coming across as too scholastic and the Beast has too much camera time.  Can we recut this so Belle and Gaston end up together? (Just an idea) There is also a lot of potential right now amongst the Beast's staff; let's flesh that out a bunch (please see below). Also, where is the bite pass we requested? Guys, we need to really be up front with our viewers about the characters' feelings and intentions. Let's get into the heads of every human, creature, and talking armoire in our cast! Every scene has to have TENSION AND STAKES; right now, we are way off the mark. Detailed notes are below. 

PROLOGUE

Is this scratch VO explaining the Prince's background? The guy sounds really old; is this one of the editors? Let's re-record with someone younger with more energy.  Right now, we do feel this is a great set up for the story.  Let's maximize our screen time by grabbing the viewers right from the start.  Maybe a Zach Ephron-type? Let's discuss. 

BELLE IN THE VILLAGE

I've never been fond of casting Belle; too bookish. (We should have gone more Megan Fox than Amy Adams, but I was overruled). Our research shows that our audience likes seeing women WITH books over actually LOVING books; the latter makes our target demographic feel dumb and unproductive.  And who wants that?  Let's do an opening montage of Belle walking through her hometown where she explains who she is, where she lives and her interests (THEN show her reading a book for maybe 3 seconds).  This whole section can be trimmed down. 

Gaston has a great entrance. He is testing very well and we are big fans of his over here, so let's set him up for success, shall we? Add in some very empathetic bites from him and La Fou about how much he's loved in town.  That way, he can be great foil for Belle and not be so douchey. (Though a bit of douchiness is good; the affluencers in our demographic thoroughly enjoy tweeting about a lovable bad boy!) Recut Belle's and Gaston's confrontation where we tone him down some.  You guys, we need to protect our cast from themselves. 

BELLE'S FATHER AT THE BEAST'S MANSION

Belle's father Maurice is going to a fair because he's an inventor? I know Belle explained this to Gaston in the previous scene but I totally forgot about it! Let's put in a flashback here to drive this home.  How important is the fair? How often does this happen? Why is Belle not going with her father? So many loose ends here, guys; sloppy, sloppy, SLOPPY! Let's do a serious bite pass on this scene so we can set ourselves up for success.  

When Belle's father actually gets the Beast's house, let's cut this scene way down.  Frankly, the Beast is just too ugly. We want TV Ugly, not ugly-ugly. Are there better shots of him? Why is he so hairy? (Again, overruled in casting). My heart aches at all the cost overruns we're going to have in Color Correction to make him on brand with our network, but oh well. 

GASTON PROPOSES TO BELLE

Wait, Gaston is proposing already? Aww, that's so sweet! But this comes out of nowhere! Let's add a pickup scene where he goes to buy the ring.  (Maybe Harry Winston? Some of your producers have connections there from previous seasons of The Bachelor, yes?) 

Belle explains in song why she said no to Gaston after she kicks him out? NO NO NO. We need to hear from her BEFORE she kicks him out! Let's get some Belle bites in there now; if she isn't telling us how she's feeling at every second, how can we root for her? 

BELLE ARRIVES AT BEAST'S MANSION

After conferring with other people here at the network, I really think that the strongest elements in the show are the Beast's staff.  A talking clock? A teapot with a British accent? A French candlestick having an affair with a feather duster? And a boss that looks like Rob Kardashian crossed with a wildebeest? Now THIS is the sexy, urbane show that we ordered!  This has so much comedic and romantic potential.  Comb through your footage and see what we can do to really get the best material we can. Maybe it's a backdoor pilot! We think this could be a great workplace show; think Vanderpump Rules with a less frightening boss. Or a more believable Jerseylicious.  

Belle agrees to stay at the castle instead of her father, but she doesn't tell us why.  I guess it's to get her father out of that cell so he can be free, but if she doesn't tells us this word for word, then how am I to know? HOW AM I TO KNOW? Get a bite in here where she explains this. 

GASTON DRINKS AT THE BAR 

La Fou and Gaston having some bro time is great, but we are missing some opportunities here. La Fou sings this whole song about Gaston's features but does he like-like Gaston? If we can possibly play up that La Fou is gay, this could help get GLAAD off our backs.  Please double check your footage. 

If Gaston is really covered in hair and uses antlers in all of his decorating, then we are really missing a Lumbersexual angle with him that we should really exploit. Let's do some pick up interviews where he's styled like Mumford or one of his Sons. 

BELLE IN THE CASTLE

The Beast does has a great scene with Lumiere & Mrs. Potts about the importance of witch's curse and wilting rose, but this really could be explored a lot more.  When Belle first arrives at the castle looking for her father, let's put in a couple bites to really drive this home. The more often we reiterate a story point, the stronger the story we tell!

BEAST SCARES BELLE 

The Beast scares Belle causing her to run off and then he rescues her from a pack of wolves in the woods. Why haven't we seen these wolves before? Are they there often? Let's set up the wolves in a previous scene so we can really maximize the drama. Also, again here's my mantra: BITES BITES BITES! If the Beast didn't like Belle being in the West Wing of his castle, why is he rescuing her? It's not realistic that a Beast would change its emotions like that so quickly.  Let's get into his head and figure out why the sudden change of heart. 

THE FLIRTING

I can sort of see how the romance is starting to blossom between Beast and Belle but let's drive this home. While they are outside flirting, make the following changes to the audio design:

* When Belle smiles at the Beast as he's feeding the birds, add a cymbal scrape.

* When the Beast looks at Belle as she's walking to the tree, add a cymbal scrape.

* When Belle laughs at the Beast when she sees all of the birds resting on him, add a woodblock sound THEN  a cymbal scrape.  

Let's be creative with the audio design to really tell the audience how they should feel at all times! 

BELLE AND BEAST DANCE

This is the best the Beast has ever looked and Belle finally looks like good. But all we hear during this scene is Mrs. Potts singing. Can we add a bite from the Beast in here, saying how he feels for her. Maybe a funny bite from Cogsworth? Take a look.  

GASTON RALLIES THE TROOPS/INVADES CASTLE

Gaston is really saying "Kill the Beast?" Is there a take where he says "I want to call the Beast out" instead? Per legal, we really can't advocate murder. Maybe cheat in some audio? 

The Beast's staff does a great job fending off the marauding horde. Do they have experience with this? Some additional bites here would really work wonders.  

Is there another take where Gaston learns his lesson and doesn't plummet to his death? We'd like to keep our options open with him (maybe a dating show? On The Hunt With Gaston has a great ring to it).

Belle's confession of love is all nice and good but it could stand more of a setup. Maybe an additional bite about her feelings? Let's play around it it.

Thanks again for attacking these in a timely manner. Please have these tomorrow by 1pm. I look forward to your notes responses as well!

If THE WIZARD OF OZ Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for THE WIZARD OF OZ. If you are worried about being spoiled by one of the most popular films in history, then God help you. 

-----

THE WIZARD OF OZ FC1 NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning around the previous cut to us so quickly.  We really appreciate the time and effort your team has put into the previous cuts but unfortunately, we are VERY disappointed with the state of the show thus far.  While we understand that sometimes we veer off of the approved outline during production, the cut as it stands is just too different to us to approve.  We'd like another Fine Cut before lock.  A lot of changes need to take place before we're done, so we are unable to give time coded notes at this time.  As it stands right now, the Oz sections are way stronger than the Kansas sections, so we should really focus on our strengths and minimize our weaknesses.  Oz is a very interesting place but we really don't know anything about it.  The audience is craving takeaway info about new places so let's give it to them.  Any fun restaurants in Oz? Shopping? Exciting local customs and fashions? Think less "Lord of the Rings" and more Anthony Bourdain. We also want to do a restructuring as well (see below).  The characters also need more definition and a bite pass is absolutely necessary.  

Please double check to make sure all the songs being used are cleared.  

DOROTHY IN KANSAS

Is there something wrong with the output? This section is in a weird sepia tone black & white, not color.  Our research shows that younger viewers will only accept black and white footage in a Beyonce video.  Please fix this in Color Correction. 

We first see Dorothy and Toto running along a street talking about a mean Mrs. Gulch.  Who is Mrs. Gulch? Where are we? You and I know that she's in Kansas but we cannot assume that the audience does.  Please build out an opening montage showing us Kansas and add a chyron that says "Kansas."  If we tell our audience explicitly what's happening right from the jump, they will be with us the entire time.  

Dorothy is an appealing character; she's sweet and likable in a flyover state sort of way.  But her intentions are a bit muddled.  Please put in a bite along the lines of "I live with my aunt & uncle on a farm in Kansas and my dog Toto is my best friend; Toto bit a mean neighbor, Mrs. Gulch."  In her own words, of course. 

Dorothy does a nice job on "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", but the action has completely stopped at this point and I am BORED.  She wants to go someplace else but this sentiment has absolutely no set up! Guys, this is really, REALLY sloppy.  How can I root for her if she doesn't tell us exactly how she's feeling at all times? Please add a sound up of her saying something like this to Toto.  

I really think we can cut down the rest of this section.  Let's go from the song, to a bit with Mrs. Gulch threatening to take Toto away, to the tornado. (The scene with Professor Marvel can be a web extra) Everything else is really slow and bogging down the action.  Also outside of Dorothy, neither her aunt & uncle nor the agricultural workers are really camera ready.  Are there any attractive farm hands around? We really don't want to alienate our audience so early into the proceedings.  

ARRIVING IN OZ

Wow, Munchkinland looks amazing! So bright and colorful. I really want to go there! Is there a less violent take of Dorothy arriving in Oz? We don't want our audience to think that they have to kill a green woman in order to visit this fun place. 

The denizens of Munchkinland are very interesting.  Considering the current appeal of little people shows, we think there is a lot of potential here. Any more scene work with Dorothy and the Lollipop Guild? This could be a potential backdoor pilot of "Little Women: Lullaby League."  Please double check your footage and let us know.  

Dorothy spends so little time in Munchinkinland. Does she do anything else while there? Any fancy hotels? 

The Wicked Witch of the West makes a great entrance, but this is BEGGING for a bio bite from her. How close was she to her sister? Why are the shoes so important? What does the Mayor of Munchkinland think of her? Let's think outside of the box here and really build her up. She's very important to the rest of the episode so she needs as much set up as possible. 

YELLOW BRICK ROAD

Let's put in a bite from Glinda about how important the Yellow Brick Road is to Oz. Right now it just seems like a pretty pedestrian path and not a main thoroughfare. 

General note: do a graphics pass and show Dorothy's progress through Oz.  How can I root for her to get to the Emerald City if I don't know how far she has to travel?

SCARECROW, TIN MAN, COWARDLY LION

This is a big note for all three of these characters. They all have potential but the current scene work with them is cheap and lackluster.  The Scarecrow wants a brain but comes up with great ideas; the Tin Man has no heart but he's crying all the time.  Guys, we CAN'T be this sloppy. We are better than this. Remember, in our style guide, characters are defined by ONE personality trait that NEVER CHANGES.  We should to the following:

SCARECROW -- wants a brain -- therefore must be dumb and say stupid things.

TIN MAN -- wants a heart -- must be cold and unfeeling.

COWARDLY LION -- wants courage -- must be afraid at all times. 

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST -- mean, wicked -- angry, vengeful, obsessed with shoes

The scene work with the Lion is the most consistent but for the other two, this is just amateur hour.  All the their introduction scenes will need to be recut along these lines. Remember, the audience is counting on us to give them the best story possible!

EMERALD CITY

Let's put a disclaimer at the top warning about the dangers of drug abuse. Either that or we cut the poppies.  

The montage of Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion's spa day in the Emerald City finally has some of the sexy, glamorous footage that we've been craving.  The haircuts, the buffing; this is great. Let's show them doing more in the Emerald City. Any other sights to see? Any great shopping? Can we add a pick up scene of them getting some essentials from Target? We have a great relationship with them and this product integration would really help with the budget. 

Please cut the Lion's "If I Were The King of the Forest".  We think it would be better as a podbuster. 

SEEING THE WIZARD

The Wizard seems intimidating but no one is saying he IS intimidating.  Any bites about the scary wizard? Maybe from the Tin Man? (A bite from the Cowardly Lion is just too on the nose at this point.)

DOROTHY'S CAPTURE BY THE WITCH

While we really do feel for Dorothy as she's watching footage of Auntie Em missing her, we do think that a montage of unseen footage of Dorothy spending quality time with her aunt would really drive that emotion home. Maybe to a Sarah McLachlan soundalike lyric cue? Just thinking out loud here. 

The Scarecrow comes up with idea for infiltrating the Witch's castle? EXCUSE ME, he doesn't have a brain! This is what I'm talking about! Is there another take where the Tin Man comes up with it? If we're stuck with this, please add a bite from the Tin Man along the lines of "For a guy without a brain, I'm surprised the Scarecrow came up with this idea. Maybe he's smarter than he thinks!" This will then give context for the end. Right now, this is just too incongruous to really work. 

Dorothy's rescue works really well, but the Witch's death by water comes completely out of nowhere. It's just too jarring.  Any scene work with her hating water in the Munchkinland section? 

RESTRUCTURING

Ending the entire episode on "it was all a dream" really kills the travelogue strengths of the show.  Since Oz is way more appealing than Kansas (what isn't?), we'd like to kill the epilogue completely. End the episode with Dorothy saying "There's no place like home", and then add a montage of her arriving in Kansas.  We need to keep the episode as sexy as possible; ending it on a dreary farm in the middle of nowhere goes against our network brand. Also, a closing wrap up bite from Dorothy would really help put a button on the proceedings.

We look forward to the changes; please get these to us by noon tomorrow. Thanks!

If MY FAIR LADY Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for a 52-year-old classic musical.  If you don't wish to be spoiled, please go watch the film. Or see the stage musical.  Or read the original Shaw play. Or just get out of the house for a damn minute.  

MY FAIR LADY - NETWORK ROUGH CUT 3 NOTES

A good hello to you and your team.  Thanks for attacking our notes with such vigor.  While we are definitely getting closer to where we need to be, we are nowhere near where we should be.   But the cut as it stands is way too long and we seem to be losing focus. Remember, this is a makeover show. If we’re going to show Eliza in a gown at the ball at the end, let’s do a side-by-side of how she looked as a flower girl. If we can’t shame her by how she looked before, then we aren’t doing our jobs! Also, the entire section with her father should be removed.  (We have plans for that for a possible sizzle reel - see below)  

Eliza is great casting! She's likable and feisty in a relatable sort of way and we do want to root for her as she does through the process.  If people are watching Mama June go from Not To Hot, they'll watch Eliza go from Crass To Class.

One thing to keep in mind that Eliza wants and asks for this makeover; her complaints about the consequences for this experiment casts the show in a dark light.  In order to do allay this, let's do some big restructuring in the latter third.  Also, we desperately need a bite pass.  Where are the bites we requested? Once we emphasize the makeover aspect for the show, we then will feel comfortable giving time-coded notes.  Right now, we don't. 

COVENT GARDEN

Higgins has a great introduction guessing everyone's hometown based on their dialect. And the fact that he does it to song is quite impressive. But since this is lacking a juicy intro package, the audience will have no idea who he is and why he's there.  Get Higgins to say something like "Hello, my name is Professor Henry Higgins.  I'm the top phoneticist is all of England.  I can tell you exactly where you come from just based on you saying two sentences."  Get this exactly and put this over b-roll of him working with students.  If he's our expert, we need to have him say it and show it. Otherwise, our viewers will be lost!    

Since Eliza is the subject of our transformation, we also need to set her up as well. She also needs an intro package that clearly states why she wants to do this. Has she always wanted to work in a flower shop? Has she always dreamt of going to a fancy embassy ball? We have to always plainly state what our main characters want at all times -- that's storytelling!

Every time Eliza speaks, she really needs to be subtitled.  I know our audience really don't like to read but with this show, I'll take the risk. 

"Wouldn't It Be Loverly" is nice but it doesn't really move the action forward. Please make it a snap-in.

ELIZA'S OFFER

Eliza comes over to Higgins' house and makes him an offer for him to teach her proper elocution.  While she says this in scene, we definitely need for her to say it in bite as well. (We already gave this note once!) Our research shows that the bulk of our demographic watch this show as a second screen. They need to be able to follow what's happening while they are on Snapchat. If we don't, they'll  be confused and change the channel. And we can't have THAT.   

While we've already met Colonel Pickering at Covent Garden, let's go ahead and give him a big intro package here too. Have him say something like "I'm Colonel Pickering. I'm a master of Indian languages and dialects.  I recently left the military and I love to help people in need."  If he doesn't say it, how do I know he believes this? By merely watching his behavior in scene? That's just not enough!

Higgins agrees to take on Eliza as a client and says some bold things to her (having her sleep in the dustbin is one of my favorites). Does he say anything even more outrageous?  If we are going to drive Twitter traffic and ratings, we really need to exploit this. Think less Stacy on "What Not To Wear" and more Gordon Ramsey on "Kitchen Nightmares." (Maybe call the show "Dreadful Diction'? Let's discuss!) Add in some more highly egregious phrases.  Our female audience will eat up the insults and those will definitely add some power to the Supertease. 

"Let A Woman In Your Life" should be cut. If Higgins is gay, that's fine. We don't need a whole number about it. 

DOOLITTLE

Eliza's father has great presence on camera. His take on morality is very interesting and relevant to our current political situation.  Which is to say: this is a total snoozeville and not appropriate for our show. However, this lecture tour of America where he talks about income inequality sounds like a great idea for one of our sister networks that wins Emmys. It's like a TED talk that's actually interesting! Put together a sizzle reel with that footage and I'll see what I can do on my end. "Doolittle Says A Lot" has a great ring to it, don't you think?

"POOR PROFESSOR HIGGINS" & "THE RAIN IN SPAIN"

While overly long, this extended montage showing Eliza training is very clever in its use to music and editing to show a passage of time.  Kudos to your team for this; please cut it by 2/3's and add bites from all involved.  

"I Could Have Danced All Night" is lovely but Eliza's happiness with her progress would be better suited in some bites during the montage.  Let's make this number a web extra. 

ASCOT GAVOTTE

The legendary race track looks glorious, as do most of the people there. This really need some context. Perhaps a great info graphic on the history of the track would be some great take-home information for the audience.  That'll make them feel smart!

Please make sure that all of the horses on the race track have signed a release.  

When Eliza blurts out "Move your bloomin' ass!", this is lacking the impact that it desperately needs. Let's re-cut the build up to this.  Add in some more audio design and a few bites to help raise the stakes.  If this moment is not important to us, it won't be important to the audience! Stakes and bites, bites and stakes! That should be our mantra, people!

"On The Street Where You Live" is nice but a bit stalker-y. Make it a snap in. 

EMBASSY BALL

While it's obvious that Eliza, Henry and Pickering are nervous, again, some bites here would work wonders.  Have Eliza say something like "I really feel out of my element here and I know I could do a great job. I hope I don't mess up! That would be gravely embarrassing for myself, Henry and Colonel Pickering!" (Please get this verbatim) 

Let's play with the audio design during this scene.  Every time someone compliments Eliza, add a cymbal scrape.  Every time Zoltan the villainous language teacher gets stopped from talking to Eliza, add a cymbal bow.  We need to underline every moment possible.  Remember, subtlety is for scripted TV, not reality!

AFTER THE BALL

This whole romance between Eliza and Freddie is afterthought.  Let's just go from Eliza's success at the ball to a pick up scene where Eliza is set up in her own flower shop.  The whole section where she leaves and comes back to Higgins and the romance with Freddie... that's a whole other show.  Based on the ratings and how the audience responds to Eliza, we can maybe do another show tracking her romantic life.  As of right now, this just muddies the water and distracts us from what we bought in the first place: A makeover show taking a working class girl (and have fun at how rough she is) and making her a classy woman (without alienating our target audience). Got it?

Please turn these notes around by 5pm today with responses.  Thanks a bunch!