If THE GODFATHER Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most beloved and revered American films of all time. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please move on. But I would avoid that one toll road, if I were you.

THE GODFATHER 101 FINE CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning around our previous round of notes so quickly. While we’ve made some progress, we are still a long long, long way off. The cut is still way too fat (we could cut this half and still have too much time) and there are some elements we requested that aren’t in yet. Where are the bites we asked for? Right now, the cut is just too lugubrious and slow. Please fire whatever hack editors were on before and bring in a new staff. (I could recommend some editors from VANDERPUMP RULES or MAMA JUNE - they could add some zip this mess!) We are missing so many opportunities for comedy here. Also, there are too many characters. Let’s talk about trimming some time and cut to the chase. They’re mobsters, this should feel fun, and not like homework! (What are we, PBS?)

Once these general notes are addressed, we will send you time coded notes. But right now, there’s just too much work to do! It’s time for us to start ideating and thinking outside the box! (One trick I find useful: I write down the title of each scene on a card and put them all on the wall in order. That way, we can see the whole show in front of us and figure out the structure! If you need help with this, my assistant can talk you through it. He’s great and gave some of these notes!)

Also, we just watched 102 and we are confused by it. If there are scenes that take place before 101, why aren’t they in 101? Let’s get on the phone later on today and talk this out. So confused!

Please do a subtitle pass on Don Corleone. Five cuts in, I still can’t understand a thing he says.

OPENING

This music, really? Are we really starting the show with this… slow, turgid score? We have to set the tone very quickly. Right now, this tone says “TAKE A NAP!” when it should say “HEY-O, FUN TIME TO BE HAD!” Let’s do a complete music pass — think hip hop, urban, and maybe some pop? Think less John Williams and more Post Malone. Let’s discuss!

General note: we need to lighten up this whole show in the online. It’s currently way too dark. We don’t do moody lighting in reality TV; the audience will get confused and think they’re watching Leah Remini taking down Scientology. Let’s brighten things up!

We go from the logo to a guy just talking? Whoa whoa whoa, I’m so confused. Where are we? What’s happening? Let’s start off with a nice b-roll transition in with a lyric cue that establishes where we are and the mood. We have to set the stage as elementary as possible — that’s Storytelling 101!

This guy telling the Godfather the story about his daughter has the potential to be touching… if we had any idea who he was! Hello, we need some bites in here! Let’s intro this guy with a bite like “Hello, I’m so-and-so, and I really love this country. My daughter has been roughed up by a bunch of guys and I really need some help! I do hope the Godfather — who is the most powerful person in my New York neighborhood — will help me out. If he doesn’t, then I won’t know what to do!” (Please get this in his own words but as close to verbatim as possible).

Oh, we finally see our title character! I can barely understand him and on top of that, we have no context on who he is. You know what would settle that? A BITE. Good Christ, you guys, this is sloppy to the nth degree. Have him say something along the lines like “Hi! I’m Don Corleone. I run a big mob family in New York. I was born with next to nothing and I worked my way up to one of the most powerful people in town. People love to come to me with their problems and I’m willing to help… as long as I’m respected. If i’m not, then there will be problems!” (Get this verbatim)

When Corleone says they’re not murders, can he expound on that? Legal wants to make sure we aren’t getting into anything dicey. Thanks!

THE WEDDING

Okay, this scene goes on and on and on. What is this, in real time? We’re seeing a lot of dancing and not a lot of movement on the story. Let’s restructure this scene. Have some dancing, intro Sonny and Tom (with big intro bites for both) and let’s lose the wedding photo bit. Then when Michael finally shows up, give him a big intro package explaining his war history and bites from other family members as to why his father is so fond of him. If we don’t set this up, then the audience will be confused. How are we supposed to know who he is? By picking up context cues and by merely people talking to each other? That’s what scripted is for!

When Michael explains what a consigliere, this is a great opportunity for an infographic to come up and give the audience some takeaway info. The audience is craving such things and our studies show that our key demographic loves mafia trivia. Let’s give them what they want!

Make sure we can clear Johnny Fontaine’s song. If not, please use a sound-alike.

WOLTZ’S HOUSE

Please blur the horse’s head in Woltz’s bed. According to our records, it never signed a release.

CORLEONE GETTING SHOT

Fredo’s father gets shot and Fredo just freezes? He doesn’t say anything? Is there another take where Corleone gets shot that Fredo actually says something? If not, you know what would be helpful? A BITE. Man, you all are disappointing me. Have him say something like “I was so stunned by my dad getting shot, I didn’t know what to do!” Sure we can infer that from Fredo’s action, but unless he says it explicitly, how am I supposed to know? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

Wait, why did the Turk have Corleone shot? Oh right, Corleone turned down his offer to get in on his heroin trafficking. What would really help here is a flashback! Telling the audience exactly everything that’s going on at all times is the height of storytelling! (I learned that a great seminar in ‘99 at CSUN!)

When Clemenza says “Luca Brasi is sleeping with the fishes”, do we have any footage of that? If we say it and don’t see it, then the audience will get confused. Also, sleeping with fish can be either smelly or dangerous. Let’s put in a disclaimer at the beginning of the show that only professionals should try slumbering with sea animals. We can’t afford another lawsuit.

Please add a pick up scene where Clemenza talks about why he likes pastries over firearms. Otherwise his line “leave the gun, take the cannoli” doesn’t have the proper context.

MICHAEL’S MEETING WITH SOLLOZZO

This scene just sits there until Michael starts shooting people (which we don’t endorse on this network, by the way. Let’s add that to the disclaimer at the beginning). It plays completely dry and there are no bites about Michael’s state of mind during this scene. Is he angry? Scared? Frustrated? Let’s throw in some bites from him about the situation, a bite or two from Sollozzo about what he wants from Michael and one from the crooked cop about the veal. (Again, take away for the audience!) Oh, and don’t make the scene feel bite heavy.

MICHAEL IN ITALY

This whole section is pretty… dull. We need to lose a lot of time. Let’s cut it and make it a web extra. We can cover Michael’s wedding in a bite.

SONNY AT THE TOLL BOOTH

Sonny getting shot up on the causeway is a harrowing, scary scene… but he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. Any way we can use an effect in online to add one? We want to make sure we are being responsible.

THE DON’S DEATH

Corleone’s passing is touching and tragic, but he does so while he’s playing around with oranges, which could go against our product placement contract with the California Orange Growers Association. Please double check and make sure we aren’t putting that in jeopardy.

THE CHRISTENING

There is a lot of things happening in the Christening, a lot of cross cutting. Let’s do a lower third pass on all of the people who get whacked so we can follow what’s going on. Spelling things out is storytelling at its finest!

MICHAEL AND KAY FIGHT

When Michael tells Kay not to ask about his business, can we throw in a flashback to show what his business is? If someone were to tune in right at this point, they would be confused and get lost really easily. Remember Rule #14 in our Network Style Guide: Flashbacks are our friends!

Please turn around the cut to us (with notes responses) by noon tomorrow EST. Thanks!

If THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most beloved animated films from 2017. If you don't wish to be spoiled, skip this by master-building a plane and flying out of here.

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE ROUGH CUT 3 NOTES

Hello! Thank you so much for your swift turnaround on our last round of notes. We really do appreciate it here. While the show is getting more and more focused, we do feel that we have a long, long, long, LONG way to go before we are set.  The biggest problem we are having right now is clarity.  Is this Batman's story? The Joker's? Also, we desperately need a bite pass and a chyron pass. Without these, everyone's motivation seems muddled.  If Batman really wants to be left alone to do his thing, he needs to tell me this in a bite. if it doesn't exist in a bite, then I don't know what he wants.  And since there are no bites in this cut, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HIS MOTIVATION IS! Or anyone else! Once we get a bite pass, then we'll give time coded notes.

OPENING

So we open with some scary voiceover from Batman about how great shows start in black with scary music. Are we married to that? Starting with just VO and logos and our main person off camera is really just jarring.  Let's scrap all this and start with him back at Wayne Manor with a bite like "I'm Batman, aka Bruce Wayne. I've been fighting crime in Gotham City for a while now. I'm a big hero and everyone knows it!" Get this in his own words and verbatim.  

Per legal, Batman can't claim that he wrote the Man in the Mirror quote. (You know the Michael Jackson estate won't okay this). Has he done another take with his own quote? Something he can live tweet as we air? Double check our interviews and let us know!

JOKER'S PLANE HEIST

When the Joker scares the pilot by saying "always comes to work with a smile", this is just begging for a bite! Ugh, come on, guys! Put in a bite from the Joker like "I'm the Joker, one of the most feared and dangerous villains Gotham City has ever seen! Highjacking this plane full of explosives is one of the most diabolical plans I've ever concocted.  This will definitely impress my girlfriend Harley Quinn and my arch-nemises Batman, who never seems to give me the respect I deserve!" (Get this verbatim, please but also make sure it's organic and natural.)  

When the pilot says that Batman will always beat the Joker, please put in a flashback montage of the Batman beating the Joker. Otherwise, this line doesn't have any context.

POWER PLANT FIGHT

The Joker is listing a lot of villains helping him at the power plant. Please make sure to  lower third to each one so we can tell who is who. (You can't expect a single mom in Kansas City to tell Killer Croc and Calendar Man apart without a little bit of help) Oh, and great Heinz product placement with Condiment King. 

Whoa, Batman cross-dresses and pretends to be the Mayor?  Or is he in disguise AS the mayor so he can defeat the Joker? I bet it's the latter! Let's add a pickup scene of Batman saying he's going to dress up as the Mayor.  Otherwise, this comes in out of nowhere and the audience will be confused. (I was!)

Let's add a bite from the Joker saying how hurt he was that Batman doesn't think he's his greatest enemy.  Sure, I could infer from the pained look on his face that Batman really hurt his feeling but unless he says it in a bite, there's NO way anyone could ever know for sure. 

ORPHANAGE

Great shot including the sign "Orphanage" at the Orphanage. It's a great way of showing the audience where we are.  Please also add a lower third that says "Orphanage" as well, just in case if some members of the audience aren't sure. 

When Batman lands in front of the orphanage and Dick is watching from the sign, this is a great opportunity for a big intro package from our parent-less lad.  Have him say something like "I'm Dick Grayson. I was part of an acrobat circus group with my parents. They died during a performance one night and now I'm here at the Orphanage.  One day I hope to be adopted by someone who's really wealthy. I'm also a big fan of Batman. I hope to meet him one day and we can hopefully be friends!" (Have him say this in his own words).

Please make sure we have a materials release for all of the stuff coming out of the Bat Merch gun. 

BATMAN AT HOME

Thank you for the lower third on Wayne Manor Island.  Let's do that for the rest of the show so the audience knows exactly where they are at all times.  Now THAT'S storytelling!

Side note: do we have any extra footage of Batman and Alfred making some of Batman's vehicles? We smell a possible "Monster Garage"-esque spinoff here.  Double check your footage and let us know!

I don't think we have the rights to footage from "Jerry Maguire."Instead, use some public domain rom-com we can use instead, one that is easily recognized by our target demographic of suburban moms 35-48. That has to be something there, right? If not, let's make this a snap-in. 

Alfred is a great presence on this show but he's not getting the set up he deserves! Let's give him a big intro package with a bite like "I'm Alfred Pennyworth, and I've working for the Wayne family for over 40 years. I think of Master Bruce as like a surrogate son.  I'm hoping he'll embrace a new family, as that is his biggest fear." (Get this in his own words, please. That accent is catnip for our audience!)

Please add a trigger warning about snake clowns.  Otherwise we're angling for a lawsuit.

JIM GORDON'S RETIREMENT PARTY

I think Bruce is smitten by Barbara on her entrance to the party. He's completely distracted by it and inadvertently adopts Dick! That's funny.  I say "I think Bruce is smitten" because he doesn't actually say it. So, yet again, WE. NEED. A. BITE. Keep in mind that our audience is viewing this as a second screen so we need to SHOW what's happening and TELL the audience as well. If they can't follow along our story while looking up Lobster Thermador recipes on their iPads then we are not doing our job as ace storytellers.  Fix this. Now. 

I love the montage showing Barbara's accomplishments, especially at Harvard For School.  Please add an intro bite from her as well talking about how excited she is to be here and taking over for her father. If she doesn't say it, how are we to know? 

As Barbara is going through the crime stats of Gotham City, throw up some lower third infographics so the audience can get some take-home information.  They love hearing about crimes and murders. Let's get into some of that "Making A Murderer" magic and aim for the stars!

Wait, the Joker and all the villains arrive and the crowd freaks out? I'm so confused. Oh right, because he tried to take over the city! Let's add a flashback of the Joker highjacking the power plant so the audience is on track, story-wise.  The more we spell things out, the better our story!

OFF TO THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

Per legal, please drop the scene where Dick gets slammed into the dashboard of the Batmobile due to the lack of seat belts.  If we air that, our liability insurance will go through the roof.  (Maybe a web extra?)

Let's add a bite from Bruce reiterating why he wants to steal the Phantom Zone projector. Sure, we can infer that he's doing this so he can stop the Joker's nefarious plot, but we don't infer in reality TV.  That's what scripted is for!

EVERYONE ESCAPES THE PHANTOM ZONE

Please make sure every evil monster in the Phantom Zone has signed a release. 

As the villains are wreaking havoc all over Gotham City, let's throw in some bites from them about how they feel.  I'd love to her Voldemort's take on this, don't you?

Batman, Robin, Alfred and Barbara are flying to escape the villains and there are Gremlins all over the Scuttler. Are Gremlins bad? Do they pose a big threat? The one way to fix this is to -- yes, it's true -- add a bite!  Add a few bites in here from all four of them setting the stakes! If our people don't tell us this is dangerous, then it won't be dangerous to the audience.

We need to lose some time. Do we have to see Batman go into the Phantom Zone and make a deal with Phyllis? We think this could all be conveyed with a montage on a bite.  Maybe make it a web extra? 

Seeing everyone in Gotham get together to save the city is very inspiring.  In order to really sell this and give us the end we've been building to is a big bite! Let's get bites from Barbara, Batman, Dick and Alfred about what this all means to them (and don't make it too bite-heavy.)

It's 7pm now. Please turn these notes around by 10am tomorrow with responses.  Thanks a bunch!

If INSIDE OUT Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot and character details for INSIDE OUT. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please leave now. If reading fictional network television notes makes you break out in hives, please take an antihistamine.  

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INSIDE OUT ROUGH CUT 4 NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning our notes around so quickly.  As it stands, the show is really making some progress but it's really not there yet.  What you've given is so immensely creative and thrilling, which is great... and is also a huge concern. The problem is we kept getting lost in what's going on.  A clarity pass is absolutely necessary.  Bites, bites, bites! If we're going to ask for the audience to take the leap to go into someone's mind, we need to spell things out for them very clearly so they don't get nervous.  Once you do this with a very thorough bite pass, then we'll give time coded notes.  Please address the following (and if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to call my assistant to set up a time for a call.).

OPENING

We really do like that Joy is our main character here. Her introduction is great and all, but with the arrival of each emotion into Riley's brain, it starts getting confusing.  Yes, none of them look or sound alike at all and they each have a very distinctive personality, but we can't assume that the audience can suss out who is who right off the bat.  So, let's do a chyron pass and an intro package on each emotion.    Sure, Anger says he's anger, but if we throw in a lower third that says "Anger" when he's on the screen, then the audience will know for sure!

RILEY'S MOVE TO SAN FRANCISCO

There is some great scene work when Riley and her family arrive in San Francisco.  Still, once they are actually in their house, I forgot which town they were in!  Can we throw up another lower third to remind us where we are? We started in Minnesota and then they switched locations; man, that's a lot to swallow!

Disgust has a great sound-up once they see the dead mouse in Riley's room; does she have a bite about it? I would love to get inside the head of the beings inside Riley's head. 

MEMORY STORAGE/ISLANDS OF PERSONALITY

So, the different emotions run Riley at different times depending on the situation.  I know we established that at the very beginning but on Riley's first day of school, I think we should really throw in a flashback to this to remind the audience exactly why the emotions are there at the control panel in the first place. Sure, it just happened 10 minutes before and it's in all the promotional materials and is the very concept of the show to begin with, but it couldn't help to remind the audience of this. Remember, always reiterating what is going is what we storytellers do best!

Memories come in as big marbles and then go into long-term storage. Some memories are core memories that create the different islands that form Riley's personality - wow, that is a LOT of information for our audience to remember! Let's construct a very tight flashback that we can use every 4-5 minutes to jog the audience's memory of this.  It's hard to remember how Riley remembers so we need to remember to remind the audience of this so they can remember it all. Got it?

Please add a pick up scene where Disgust goes over Riley's first day of school outfit.  We think this could really go over well with our audience and serve as a possible makeover show backdoor pilot called "Ughh, You're Not Going To Wear THAT, Are You?" Advertisers love shows where we shame women on their fashion choices  Throw the scene in and let's make it work!

When Riley has her breakdown during her first day of class, do we have any bites from the cool girls in school? We get the idea from Disgust and Fear what Riley's stakes are, but if we can get a few from that clique of mean girls, it can really hammer home what Riley is really risking. And also the funnier the better!

JOY AND SADNESS TRY TO GET BACK TO HEADQUARTERS

When Joy and Sadness meet Bing Bong, let's give him a really big intro package. I know he introduces himself in scene, but let's throw in a bite along the lines of "Hi, I'm Bing Bong. I'm Riley's imaginary friend.  I'm part elephant, part cotton candy and an all-around great guy and since I've been wandering around Riley's long-term memory, I really know my way around." Please get this verbatim. 

Please double check our trade out agreement with Triple Dent gum. I really don't think they want us to have some much scene work of our people groaning every time their jingle is heard. 

The section where Joy, Sadness and Bing Bong get caught in the Abstract Thought section can be cut.  I am really not clear on what Abstract Thought is, so let's just make it a web extra.  

DREAM PRODUCTIONS/SUBCONSCIOUS

Does Rainbow Unicorn have any bites regarding Riley's dream going haywire? We're paying an arm and a leg for her appearance fee, so let's get the most for our money.  

I know Joy says that the Subconscious is where Riley stores all of the big things that frighten her, but can she explain in in a bite? Or maybe Sadness can? We haven't heard from her in a while, let's see what she has to say. 

We've been in Riley's head for so long; is there any more scene work that we can cut to? Maybe with the parents or the cool girls at school? This is starting to feel a bit claustrophobic.  

Please make sure the killer birthday party clown has signed a release. 

When the personality islands start breaking apart, can we add in a bite from Sadness or Joy about what this means? We have to always remind the audience about the stakes.  What would happen if Riley loses every portion of her personality? What would happen to her? Does this mean she would end up working in insurance? Let's spell this out. 

JOY AND SADNESS MAKE IT TO HEADQUARTERS

When Joy and Bing Bong are trying to get out of the Memory Dump using his wagon, let's throw in a flashback of him and younger Riley playing on it and saying that it's powered by song.  They start singing to power it and I'm completely lost! (Also, the Bing Bong song is cleared, right? Our music budget has been eaten up with the Triple Dent trade out).

Please add a bite from Joy when she realizes that Bing Bong is no longer there. Even though we see she's crying, how am I to know if she really misses him or not without a bite exactly saying that? 

END

Now that we see that the memories are now coming in with multiple colors instead of just one, let's add in a bite from Joy about how important it is for Riley's development that all of her emotions be validated.  We can't assume the audience will pick up on this; it's only obvious to us since we're professionals at this but remember, the audience isn't! 

Please have these done with a notes response by 11am tomorrow morning.  Thanks!

If JURASSIC PARK Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

JURASSIC PARK 101 FINE CUT 1 NOTES

Thanks for getting our previous notes turned around so quickly. However, we do feel that the cut is still too far off from where it needs to be.  So, we'll give time-coded notes after this cut.  There is so much emphasis on what is going wrong at the park that I don't want to go there. Remember, guys, this is a travel show; we have to make the viewer want to travel! If they feel that this place is a prehistorical murder zone, no one will want to go there! 

If we are going to salvage what we have and tell this story, then we really have to be open and forthcoming with the audience as possible.  Just because we know what a scary thing it is to have a dinosaur try to kill us, we can't assume that the audience does.  We really need a thorough and complete bite pass.  Maybe a comedy pass too?

OPENING

The workers at Isla Nublar are installing a creature into a new pen, but I really can't make it out. Is there a clearer shot of it? Right now, it's just a bunch of quick cuts as it is killing one of the workers.  Let's get a clear shot of the creature so we know what it is (and then we can blur it). 

AMBER MINE SECTION & DR. GRANT SECTION

We need to put focus on the park itself. Let's establish Dr. Grant and Dr. Settler in an opening package when they arrive at the park, so let's lose these two sections.  If we include these scenes that are not in Costa Rica, the audience will be confused.  The title says "Jurassic Park"; why are we in Montana?

NEDRY AND SECRET AGENT

I'm not sure Barbasol would appreciate their trade-out involving them with corporate espionage. Do we have any other scene work with Nedry? If not, let's add a bite from him along the lines of "Jurassic Park is so interesting I'm willing to break the law to get the word out!"  Maybe this scene comes later? 

ARRIVING AT THE PARK

This is how we should start the show. Start with big sweeping shots of the island and a bite telling everyone that this is a park that has a massive amount of genetically engineered dinosaurs. We have to grab the audience right away. If we leave time for our audience to discover new things, they'll get bored and change the channel! We need shots of the big dinosaurs within the first 30 seconds! (That way we can get #hugedinosaurs trending right away!) Then cut to the helicopter ride over, let's do an intro package so we get to know our scientists/hosts.  Let's add some bites like "I'm Dr. Grant, I'm an archeologist and I love my job!" Here we can add shots of him and Dr. Sattler working on the dig in Montana. Make the Dr. Malcolm package short; any lengthy discussion of mathematics and chaos theory will turn off our key demographic.  Have him talk about how he likes his leather jacket; women (per our research) like that!

THE TOUR

We are supposed to see a tour but I feel like we don't know the park at all right now. Where is the fun shopping? Where can I get one-of-a-kind collectables? Where is the great fine dining? All we're seeing is just boring science and gloom-and-doom. It's an amusement park and I am not amused. Please recut this with a strong comedy pass.  

HAMMOND'S GRANDKIDS

I can tell from the scene that Hammond is excited to see his grandkids, but we isn't saying it exactly.  Let's get a bite from him saying "I am excited to see my grandkids!" and have him elaborate on that. The only way I can tell if someone loves their grandchildren is by hearing them say it explicitly.  

BEHIND-THE-SCENES

I am impressed with the access we've gotten here at the park, but the only behind the scenes stuff we're getting is just depressing.  Let's get a bit more process-y here and have Hammond talk about how the paddocks work, where to get a churro, etc. Here we can put in a ton of graphics and lots of sexy dinosaur shots. The audience won't be impressed unless we tell them to be!

NEDRY STEALING THE EMBRYOS

It's been a while since we've heard what Nedry is trying to do; let's throw in a flashback of him meeting with the corporate espionage agent.  Constantly reminding the audience about a person's intentions will really help amp the tension! (Also, we can work in more shots of the Barbasol for our trade-out deal.)

TYRANNOSAURUS REX ATTACK

 Just because the kids are screaming while the Rex is attacking, we can't assume that the audience will know that it's scary.  Add some scared bites from them so we really know how they are feeling at every moment. Also, add a flashback of Dr. Grant saying that the T-Rex's vision is based on vision.  The audience may pay attention to these sort of things on a scripted show, but for a reality show, we can't take that chance!

(Thinking out loud here: can we add a bite from the T-Rex saying how she usually doesn't eat lamb but sometimes she'll make an exception?  Could be funny!)

EGGS

Dr. Grant discovering the eggs is good and all, and his explanation about how the all-female dinosaur population could possibly lay eggs is great but it really needs some previous set up.  So, during the tour, let's add a bite from Dr. Grant or Settler along the lines of "If you use frog DNA that could possibly lead to the dinosaurs changing genders." Since we aren't being obvious, the audience could be lost. Let's guide them the entire time by telling everything that they should know and feel. It's called Story Telling!

We haven't heard from Malcolm in a while. Any fun scene work with him recuperating from his wounds? Let's change things up a bunch!

RAPTOR ATTACK

Let's add a flashback about how smart the raptors are. Otherwise Bob Peck's line "Clever girl" doesn't have the proper context. 

At the end when the T-Rex kills the raptor, let's add a bite from one of the kids thanking the T-Rex for saving them.  That way, the audience can know that they are relieved!

Thanks for addressing these notes in a timely manner. Please have them and your responses by 5pm today.  Thanks!