017. The Caretakers, 1963

Oh, you’ve never heard of “The Caretakers?” Well, there’s a reason for that…

What’s the Story? Lorna (Polly Bergen) is strolling through the Westside of LA in the middle of a nervous breakdown. She wanders into the Bruins Theater (where Sharon Tate goes to see her movie in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood) and fully freaks out during a newsreel about rocket ships. She’s then carted off to the state mental institution where she is not only freaking out but also violent. She falls into the care of Dr. Donovan McLeod (Robert Stack). McLeod puts Lorna into group therapy sessions with a bunch of other troubled women, including a former prostitute, an immigrant who can’t stop embellishing on her love life, and a mute Barbara Barrie who loves fire. McLeod’s progressive methods get hefty resistance from Lucretia Terry (our Joan) who prefers straight-jackets and rubber rooms for the patients. McLeod battles Terry for how to treat the patients, the hospital for trying to be more compassionate to the patients and the patients themselves.

The movie really tried my patience. Its Oscar-nominated cinematography aside, there’s little to like here. The film is stiff and hokey. You learn a bit more about Lorna as the film progresses but it’s a slog; one stilted talky scene after another. The script is obvious and cloying and the film feels way longer than its 97 minute run time.

Oh, And How’s Joan? She doesn’t pop up until the 32 minute mark and she’s on total autopilot here. The Caretakers is her followup to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and the contrast between the two performances are stark. In Baby Jane, there’s a softness and melancholy to Joan that you rarely see, In Caretakers, it’s just her old battle-ax routine once again. The only thing that’s new in this performance is the judo.

Yeah, Nurse Terry thinks that all nurses need to be able to defend themselves against the patients so they practice in a huge school gym… which sure. The judo scene became a publicity tool as well…

Should I See It? No. It’s a slog and tiresome. The score is cool and the photography is cool but you can see the cast be better in other things, especially Joan.

How Can I See It? It’s in rotation on TCM and you can rent it on Amazon Prime.

006. The Karate Killers, 1967

What’s The Story? The men from The Man From U.N.C.L.E are back in a two-part episode that was put together as a feature film for some reason. A scientist has discovered a formula to extract small amounts of gold from sea water (…okay…) and the evil men from THRUSH are after it and only the guys from U.N.C.L.E. can stop them. There’s late 60s groovy dancing, locations from all over the backlots of Hollywood that substitute for Europe and Asia, Telly Savalas with an embarrassingly bad Italian accent. It’s… ouch. Not campy enough to be fun, not competent enough to be entertaining. Since it was made for late 60’s TV, the cinematography is flat, the production values are super low and everything about it feels cheap. I thought the combo of late-60s pop and counterculture and Joan’s elegance would offer a fun frisson; instead, it’s just embarrassing. I didn’t even finish it. Ugh.

Oh, And How’s Joan? Joan’s billing is “Special Appearance by”, which translates to “Pay me a decent chunk of money and I’ll do one scene for you.” She plays the scientist’s widow who has one scene where she discovers her new lover is a leader in the evil spy organization. She’s… fine. Doing the best with very very little. I mean, this expression says it all, doesn’t it?

“…just get through this scene, Lucille, and you can pay off the twins’ boarding school. You can do it…”

Should I See It? Ask yourself: do you need to absolve yourself of sins? Did you lose a bet? Is masochism an upper level personality trait? Then sure. If not, skip this mess. Joan is way better in other things. Like, here’s her Pan Am commercial for 1973. Same era, same classiness and it’s under a minute:

How Can I See It? It’s on iTunes, if you must. I’m not going to link here. Give it a search and you can find it.

003. Strait-Jacket, 1964

What’s The Story? Lucy Harbin (Joan Crawford) came home from a work trip one night to catch her husband (an uncredited Lee Majors!) in bed with another woman. Clad in a flowery dress, a helmet hairdo and a some sharp heels, Lucy went over the edge. She killed both her hubby and his mistress with an axe, all as her 3 year old daughter Carol watched. Well, take a look.

She went into an asylum for 20 years. She gets released and visits a now-grown Carol (Diane Baker) in rural California, who's been living with Lucy’s brother on his farm. As Lucy tries to get settled into life outside the hospital, things start going awry. Is she still crazy? Why are people going missing? Is that big huge obvious twist that you see coming going to actually come to pass? [SPOILER: Yes, yes it is.]

Coming after her return to box office glory in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?, Joan takes another stab (sorry) at horror based on a book from the guy that wrote Psycho. She took over for Joan Blondell who had to back out of the film due to an injury. Then Joan brought in her The Best of Everything co-star Baker to play her daughter. Joan took a lower salary and 15% of the profit… which proved to be a shrewd move as the film was a hit. She also did some personal appearances for it as well, which helped goose the box office.

Oh, and how’s Joan? By this stage of her career, Joan’s an old pro in the best sense of the term. She can deliver a lot by doing a little (and sometimes does little by doing a lot). She brings a lot of depth to a pretty thin role. You get Lucy’s unease as she’s back out of the asylum, the weird spell she gets under as she dons her old murderous outfit and her shame when she’s trying to reconnect with her daughter. There are moments of brilliance from her (like when she’s trying to calm down after a nightmare”) and moments of absolute BS presentational acting (like when she’s reacting the little girls doing the nursery rhyme outside of the wig shop). She’s the main attraction here, acting her guts out and bringing some class and oomph to the proceedings. The supporting ensemble is good, except for Diane Baker. I don’t buy anything that she’s doing. And Joan being Joan, there’s some Pepsi product placement in one key scene.

Should You See It? Sure! It’s a fun but thin horror movie. The movie is beneath her at this point, but she’s having fun. Don’t expect much and you will be happy.

How Can I See It? It’s available for rental from iTunes and Amazon Prime. Give it a whirl!